I can’t sleep again. Same thoughts are going through my mind. I know why I’m lonely. It’s because the people I’m surrounded by aren’t positive influence. They live life like a cow eating grass in a field while watching trains go by. No action. No projects. No future. Just eat, work, fuck, sleep, repeat.
The fact my friendship with this girl ended has certainly taken a toll on me. I have really no one left here. I’m done with a lot of things. I’m ready to close the chapter.
Impatience. I know there’s a better place somewhere. I just have to wait.
The only problem is that I’ve never been good at waiting.
I can’t sleep. I feel lonely. Empty inside. Unable to love, unable to feel loved. It’s all in my head. I know there are people who love me. But I’m so sad tonight. So sad, yet I can’t cry. I came to this country with so many expectations. Wanting to be close to my half brother, in love with a man who I married, then divorced, and thinking I found a friend who would stick with me forever, I’ve lost them all. My brother didn’t show up at my wedding and didn’t give any excuse. After that, we stopped talking. My marriage became a living hell. And my girlfriend ditched me in the Hamptons because of some dude she was upset with, yet she still sleeps with to this day. She never really tried to apologize. I felt so heartbroken by her behavior I just gave up on the friendship. Today, I feel like I’ve left everyone behind. My trust has been used and abused. I’m not going to talk to my brother ever again. I’m not going to see my ex ever again. I’m not going to be friends with this girl ever again. Does all of this make me a bad person? Over the years, I learned I had to stay true to myself if I wanted to be happy. These decisions are a testament to my honesty. I made peace with myself a million times… Yet, I feel so alone. And mostly I feel like I’m the worst person on the planet.
So it all ended today. Several years of a broken relationship are over. And I feel good about it. Relieved I don’t have to deal with this crap anymore.
I made the decision to stop the legal proceedings. Some would think I am a loser because of it, because I didn’t keep fighting for things that were mine. Sure. I’m a loser. I could have fought for years at this rate, but what for? It takes more to step back and assess the situation objectively than to bicker about pennies. The other side only saw the dollar sign. And today, they’re probably very content I gave up.
Deep inside, I’m a winner though. I walk free. I walk happy. I can finally undertake new projects without feeling the burden of this marriage anymore. I never needed the pennies. I said what I had to say, and I made the conscious decision to end it all because it was just better this way. I didn’t think of anyone else but me and my future. The other side didn’t matter. What they thought, wanted, wished, said, prayed for… I never cared.
I’ve been alone waging this war against the past. All the ugly memories, the bad feelings, they’re gone. I forgave myself. I moved on.
So for all these reasons, I’m not a loser. I close the chapter of a book that tells a story no one should really know about because it’s honestly not that interesting. But what I can do, and what I’m able to accomplish, this is the best part of it all.
The other side will never grow as fast and as beautiful. So I leave them be, and count all my blessings.
I believe in the saying “men sana in corpore sano“, which means a sound mind in a healthy body.
I’ve always exercised and stayed active. But there are moments where you don’t really feel like going for a jog will change what’s going wrong in your life. You eat, or you starve yourself. You abuse alcohol. You don’t sleep. You do stuff that’s not good for you, but you do it because you want to fill the void inside you. All the pain, the misunderstanding, you need love to forget about them.
Where can you find the balance between a busy work day and a difficult personal life?
Well, for me there are three things.
Writing.
My tattoos.
And enduring insane workouts.
When you’re determined to make a change, everything looks brighter, better, fuller. You get the big picture. And sticking to a discipline makes you stronger every day.
I started my writing journey – restarted it actually after a long pause of ten years – at the beginning of 2010. I needed an outlet, and imagining fantasy worlds and stories with characters who faced the same issues helped me cast an objective overview on all the things that were not going well in my own reality. I made a list of my dreams, and what I needed to do to make them come true. Naturally, I had to make a lot of sacrifices. Facing myself in the mirror every day, I told myself I would succeed no matter what. My words, even if no one would ever read them, were my therapy. They would heal me, rebuild me, and make me a better person. Having a blog became a way to communicate with the world, and get feedback from a lot of people, strangers who proved me I could achieve what I wanted if I kept faith. It was a hard battle, but I made it uphill, and I keep climbing to this day. Writing will never stop for me. Writing is my truth.
As I undertook my revolution, I also committed in getting tattooed. At first, I decided to get one big piece to let go of the emotional pain by experiencing physical pain. I wanted a design that would represent my rebirth. So I picked a tree of life, with five dragonflies (five is my number) that signify adulthood, maturity and eerie mystery. It took five sessions of two hours to finish the piece – and it covers my entire back.
This is my first huge piece. It’s mine forever. And I’m not afraid of growing old with it.
My guy did such an amazing job, I asked him to continue working on me. The next tattoo was a pinup girl – my muse – on my right thigh. She’s fragile and fierce – just like me.
Then came the tiger on my left thigh – I’ve always loved big cats.
After the tiger, I got the tattoo of a train on the inside of my left bicep – in tribute to my favorite book of all times – Atlas Shrugged. The train falling off the tracks represents the collapse of society because of socialism. A theme I feel close to because of my mother, who grew up in Eastern Germany and witnessed the construction and the fall of the Berlin wall.
Followed a dragon all over my left thigh. The dragon head covers my left butt cheek and has become the emblem of this blog too. A dragon tattoo on a woman usually acknowledges “woman as the creator.” Like the dragons of many mythologies, woman’s true body form is that of life, the world and the universe. It is this superior form that allows her to be without equal. Dragon body art also represents a flowing, fluid grace that conceals a reserve of power just beneath the cool surface.
I don’t have a picture of the actual dragon body all around my thigh, but yeah, my left thigh is entirely covered now. I also have another dragon on the left side of my ribcage.
Finally, as if there was a finally, I got several other tattoos – American traditional style – on my right thigh and right calf.
I’m not going to post all the pictures here – but I have a peacock, a wolf, a pinup girl’s face, a ship, a bird on a branch and an eagle holding the earth (in the shape of a skull).
My tattoo guy did a fantastic job working on me, and we’re far from done. Getting tattooed helped me dig deeper – I crossed the threshold of extreme pain several times, but never cried or fainted. I made it a challenge to endure as much as I could because this experience would help me grow and become stronger. I wear my tattoos as a testament to my faith and my dedication to never give up.
Last but not least, the journey to recovery continues with extreme workouts. I love to run, and walk, but after coming across a commercial on TV for the Insanity workouts, I decided I was up to the challenge.
After Day 3, all I can say is I’m hooked.
So here I am. Jumping over a lot of hurdles, but always on top of my game. I stay healthy, and motivated. As long as I know what I’m made of, I can defeat anything.
Maybe I’m crazy. Mostly, I have faith. I’ve chosen this lifestyle because it agrees with my beliefs, and my convictions.
So I feel completely disconnected from my writing – one year ago, I used to spent approximately two hours a day writing, blogging, thinking about my plots and brainstorming. Today, not so much. I manage to write on my commute to work – and for that I’m thankful for my phone. Anytime I’m on my own, waiting, I kill the time by writing. This has proven successful so far. Volume One of Death By Chocolate is completed – 30k words – and Volume 2 is two third done. You wouldn’t believe how writing a little every day can add up to a whole novel after a few weeks. It’s the best thing ever. So why do I still feel unproductive?
Well, the writing has maybe not stopped, but everything else kinda has. I don’t do blog tours anymore. I don’t tweet. I don’t play with my Facebook. And I certainly never touch my Google +. If I manage to do Triberr, I take that as an accomplishment.
There aren’t enough hours in a day. I don’t read as much, and am behind with my book reviews. Stuff I should have finished months ago, and yet… nope. Still lingering on my Kindle, half commenced and never ended. I must have bought more books than I’ve read. A pity, really, because I love to read.
But all the time I spend, I spend it writing. And working the day job, obviously. I don’t even go out that much, or spend time with friends – my circle of friends has shrunk dramatically since my recent falling out – so I play the lonesome writer, which isn’t such a bad thing I must admit. And still… I can’t find enough time. Between working out, feeding my brain ideas and making my dreams come true, twenty four hours in a day are too short. I thought I could do so much last year. But now? I’m squeezing things in.
There’s a part of me that thinks I’m heading toward complete failure. The writing, the publishing, all that jazz that doesn’t mean much at the end of the day because it doesn’t pay. Yet. And then the other part screams for me to keep going, keep writing, keep pursuing my dreams. All will come true, but I have to stay patient and mostly, work at them every single day.
No break. Time flies. The show must go on, awake or asleep. I met some people who spent their lifetime waiting for things to happen. And they’ve come to the conclusion their existence was pretty pathetic and they had accomplished nothing. I don’t want to be one of them. I want to look back and be able to say I’m proud of what I’ve done, even if it’s small, I still went for it. I didn’t give up. I felt dedicated and I persevered.
I wonder what it feels like to look from above once you reached the top of the mountain of success. I guess I’ll know at some point in the future. I just have to keep climbing.
It’s all about perception. My reality feels distorted, and I seek to escape. There’s a better place waiting for me, where my dreams can grow bigger. I’m looking forward to getting there.
It’s only a matter of time. The loneliness shall pass. The doubt will disappear. True happiness will finally settle and I will taste its delicious flavor until the day I die. I’m on the right path, just need patience. Love is near. I can feel it.
Alright, for those who have been following the several episodes of my falling out with a very good friend, this post will be the last I’m going to write on the subject. First, I want to say to the commenters out there who claimed I was unable to feel apathy and nurture relationships, well, your opinion is yours and yours only. I made the effort to let time pass by, in order to heal what needed to be healed, or to end what needed to be ended.
I thought as a result of such an effort, I would actually obtain something positive. Well I was mistaken.
There are three sides to a story: my side, the other and the truth. One side doesn’t wanna see the truth. My side has lost all faith in ever healing that broken relationship. And the truth screams: walk away.
So okay. I listen to my guts and still try to make amends. I take the blame for whatever I did wrong. But then I also give my opinion and tell my former friend what I truly believe is still not working. Facts. No emotions. Just plain facts. But the other side throws in my face insults, and tell me I’m the crazy cuckoo head of the bunch. I don’t take insults well especially when I speak about true events that actually happened. I didn’t make anything up. I was there. Other people were there. I got the testimony of many strangers who had no interest in the friendship. So tell me exactly where I effed up here?
I can’t jump off a bridge for someone who treats me like shit. Someone who I thought I could trust and ends up stabbing me in the back. Someone who I believed would be by my side for life. Dr. Jekyll got replaced by Mr. Hyde and I experienced all its wrath. Not for me. I can’t accept the truth told only by one side. There’s no way I’m going to fight my gut feeling and fall down a nasty hole full of lies and hypocritical statements, just because the truth hurts too much.
So, since I’m not talking with this former friend anymore, as of today, the friendship is dead and I’m moving on.
Good luck, peace and if I ever see you again, I’ll plainly ignore you.
Well… Listening to my heart wasn’t such a bad idea after all. My friend made the first step to talk about our falling out. That friendship meant too much to fail so quickly. But we all needed time to recover.
So we will talk, and see how far we can go. Everything happens for a reason. Forgiveness will help us mend what we broke.
The ugly truth finally comes through. Our MC Julie faces Kara’s ghost and experiences her friend’s dreadful death.
In this chapter, there’s a sense of hopelessness that is constantly on Julie’s mind. She feels like she’s doomed to fail, and the only way for her to keep going is to forget and move on. She doesn’t know how to make amends. She doesn’t even want to be forgiven. If she could go back and change the past for the better, maybe she could live with herself again and be happy. But the past unfortunately cannot be changed.
The Stranger plays with Julie’s sensitivity and forces her down a darker path. He acts like a trigger to help her release the memories that have been buried for too long. Julie is relentlessly exposed to horrible realities so she can cope with what she did. But will she ever accept the consequences of her actions?
Julie needs to defeat the demons that control her existence. Read on to Chapter 9 to learn more about her past!
Perception is reality. We all perceive things differently, therefore we all experience reality differently. No matter what people say about you, your perception will eventually evolve when a life changing event forces you to make a shift. Or not. The pair of glasses you were wearing all your life suddenly doesn’t work well anymore. You need a new pair of better glasses, because you’ve matured, you’ve grown, you’ve learned from your mistakes and you’ve moved on. Or you repeat the same patterns because you don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with your life.
My father used to say: People are like billiard balls, they hit one another often, but never merge. Do we all navigate in parallel universes and never find a point of contact since our perceptions are so uniquely shaped to our persona? Well… I guess you discover friends and lovers once you can share your perceptions. But can you truly share it all, completely and openly, until no discord arises? Two perceptions will create disagreements. One perception will either surrender or walk away. Compromise will act as a mechanism to bring two perceptions to a happy medium. But what for? Why should I distort my perception if I can never truly change it?
I remember fighting with my ex over things over and over again, and the same argument was being used: I gotta change, I gotta alter my perception. But to me altering my perception meant not staying true to myself. And this is another element of Krystal’s PSA I really liked.
Be honest. Do what you feel is good. Believe the little voice within that keeps telling you you’re on the right path. But again… How do you know you’re on the right path? Since all you have is your perception… Then you start comparing, adjusting, debating. And you either follow your guts or you bend and comply with someone else’s perception.
If I were a serial killer, my perception would be killing people is right. But toward society, killing is wrong. So your perception will morph to what you learn by yourself, and to what you’re being taught by people and life events. Thus you constantly change your reality.
Another quote, from Confucius: If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?
My answer would be nothing. You are your best friend and your worst enemy. The reality you build is yours to keep. Of course, given you don’t commit crimes as a hobby, and maintain an honest and truthful lifestyle, the journey will be exciting and thrilling, both for you and the world around you.
The Manicheans 