Note to Self (168) #Insanity

I believe in the saying “men sana in corpore sano“, which means a sound mind in a healthy body.

I’ve always exercised and stayed active. But there are moments where you don’t really feel like going for a jog will change what’s going wrong in your life. You eat, or you starve yourself. You abuse alcohol. You don’t sleep. You do stuff that’s not good for you, but you do it because you want to fill the void inside you. All the pain, the misunderstanding, you need love to forget about them.

Where can you find the balance between a busy work day and a difficult personal life?

Well, for me there are three things.


My tattoos.

And enduring insane workouts.

When you’re determined to make a change, everything looks brighter, better, fuller. You get the big picture. And sticking to a discipline makes you stronger every day.

I started my writing journey – restarted it actually after a long pause of ten years – at the beginning of 2010. I needed an outlet, and imagining fantasy worlds and stories with characters who faced the same issues helped me cast an objective overview on all the things that were not going well in my own reality. I made a list of my dreams, and what I needed to do to make them come true. Naturally, I had to make a lot of sacrifices. Facing myself in the mirror every day, I told myself I would succeed no matter what. My words, even if no one would ever read them, were my therapy. They would heal me, rebuild me, and make me a better person. Having a blog became a way to communicate with the world, and get feedback from a lot of people, strangers who proved me I could achieve what I wanted if I kept faith. It was a hard battle, but I made it uphill, and I keep climbing to this day. Writing will never stop for me. Writing is my truth.

As I undertook my revolution, I also committed in getting tattooed. At first, I decided to get one big piece to let go of the emotional pain by experiencing physical pain. I wanted a design that would represent my rebirth. So I picked a tree of life, with five dragonflies (five is my number) that signify adulthood, maturity and eerie mystery. It took five sessions of two hours to finish the piece – and it covers my entire back.

This is my first huge piece. It’s mine forever. And I’m not afraid of growing old with it.

My guy did such an amazing job, I asked him to continue working on me. The next tattoo was a pinup girl – my muse – on my right thigh. She’s fragile and fierce – just like me.

Then came the tiger on my left thigh – I’ve always loved big cats.

After the tiger, I got the tattoo of a train on the inside of my left bicep – in tribute to my favorite book of all times – Atlas Shrugged. The train falling off the tracks represents the collapse of society because of socialism. A theme I feel close to because of my mother, who grew up in Eastern Germany and witnessed the construction and the fall of the Berlin wall.

Followed a dragon all over my left thigh. The dragon head covers my left butt cheek and has become the emblem of this blog too. A dragon tattoo on a woman usually acknowledges “woman as the creator.” Like the dragons of many mythologies, woman’s true body form is that of life, the world and the universe. It is this superior form that allows her to be without equal. Dragon body art also represents a flowing, fluid grace that conceals a reserve of power just beneath the cool surface.

I don’t have a picture of the actual dragon body all around my thigh, but yeah, my left thigh is entirely covered now. I also have another dragon on the left side of my ribcage.

Finally, as if there was a finally, I got several other tattoos – American traditional style – on my right thigh and right calf.

I’m not going to post all the pictures here – but I have a peacock, a wolf, a pinup girl’s face, a ship, a bird on a branch and an eagle holding the earth (in the shape of a skull).

My tattoo guy did a fantastic job working on me, and we’re far from done. Getting tattooed helped me dig deeper – I crossed the threshold of extreme pain several times, but never cried or fainted. I made it a challenge to endure as much as I could because this experience would help me grow and become stronger. I wear my tattoos as a testament to my faith and my dedication to never give up.

Last but not least, the journey to recovery continues with extreme workouts. I love to run, and walk, but after coming across a commercial on TV for the Insanity workouts, I decided I was up to the challenge.

After Day 3, all I can say is I’m hooked.

So here I am. Jumping over a lot of hurdles, but always on top of my game. I stay healthy, and motivated. As long as I know what I’m made of, I can defeat anything.

Maybe I’m crazy. Mostly, I have faith. I’ve chosen this lifestyle because it agrees with my beliefs, and my convictions.

And ultimately, I’m a happy person.

So what is your insanity?


Add Yours
  1. Casie

    Very good post! I’m a Journalism major and writing has always been a big part of my life. Tattoos have given me a way to express my artistic side on my skin and exercise has helped me in many ways as well.

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