Note to Self (180) Time for Instrospection

Note to Self4 Comments

I went to bed crying, I woke up the same. There’s this look on my face I cannot hide. The one of deep sorrow for all the crap I did and blamed on everyone else. When so many voices spoke up, I remained deaf to them. I didn’t want to listen. They all said I was the common denominator to all the friendships and relationships I broke. I always thought I was the victim. But I was the aggressor.

I’m not carrying the blame for everything that went wrong in my life. But I’m admitting I did a lot of bad things, and people got hurt by my words or my behavior. The last straw happened when I physically hurt my best friend during an argument we had. I was intoxicated, she tried to calm me down, but all I did was take her friendship for granted and I spat on three years of friendship with a single blow. I hurt her, I broke her. She couldn’t believe I would ever lay a hand on her, because I sincerely loved her. How could I hurt the ones I loved the most?

I turned my back on another friend, who supported me during my separation from my ex-husband. She offered me support, shelter and she gave me her trust. And what did I do? I threw everything away. Again, I hurt someone I loved.

My half-brother had cancer. We didn’t speak since September 2008 because he didn’t show up at my wedding. I held grudges and didn’t speak with him since. I was hurt knowing I had one family member in NYC and we wouldn’t talk. We wouldn’t see each other. We wouldn’t share anything. Since the age of 17 I stopped talking to my half sister too. It’s been thirteen years.

Last but not least, I hurt my ex-husband to the point life together wasn’t tolerable anymore. I hurt him emotionally, and physically. Why did we fight so much? Because I couldn’t see past my anger. Once he shouted I was more in love with my anger than I was with him, and I didn’t believe him. But seeing now how many relationships have died because of my behavior, I admit he’s right.

I’ve always withdrawn myself from any confrontational situation. Once I said what I had to say, I give no chance to the other side to speak. I just walk away. I don’t give second chances. And then I dwell in my own sadness. I don’t face the facts. I pretend they never existed. I just remove all the memories and focus on changing everything in my life. New hair, new clothes, new look. I want to start fresh somewhere else, and then what? The same pattern repeats.

I never thought I would talk to my best friend ever again. I felt ashamed of what I did to her after everything she did for me. So I secluded myself. I lived in the dark. I intentionally changed my schedule to never run into her, and the two times I saw her, I ran away. I’m not a coward by nature. I just didn’t want to see her hatred. I didn’t want to see the damage I had done. I refused to acknowledge the truth. For me, the friendship was over. There was no turning back.

But then yesterday, someone rang my doorbell. I didn’t know who it could be. I didn’t respond the first time. Then the doorbell rang again. This time I opened the door, and there she stood.

“Can we talk?” she asked.

And all I replied was: yes.

She told me her version of the facts, and I told her mine. I didn’t realize I had become a beast. I didn’t see clear through my bullshit. I didn’t even ask for forgiveness. I just said I was sorry for all the hurt I had caused.

Then she added, she was worried about me. She urged me to talk to someone because she knew something was off with me. And so I promised her I would.

But the first thing I did after she left was to email my friend who I hadn’t talked to in over a year to apologize for my actions. And then I emailed my ex-husband and apologized too. Finally, I emailed my half brother.

I’m still crying typing these words because I feel all the pain of these people and it hurts me to think I have put them through so much crap because I was angry. Yes, I was in love with my anger. And the only solution I found not to deal with the consequences of my actions was to move, walk away and just become a more shallow individual because I didn’t want to feel anything anymore.

The ultra-sensitive person I am has managed to block all emotions just because she doesn’t want to cause more harm. But does it really work?

Of course it doesn’t. I live for love. My parents see me as the little girl they raised, not the monster I’ve become. They don’t realize I’ve caused so much pain around me. I don’t want to be an asshole anymore.

So I will change. I knew there was a reason why God wanted me to stay in NYC. I must face the truth, just like my character Julie in my serial Death by Chocolate. Funny to think my character spoke on my behalf in a fictional story I started a few months ago. Writing held a certain power over my aching soul.

I promise to be a better person from now on. I don’t want people to suffer anymore.

Note to Self (179) Anger

Note to Self3 Comments

So you were right. I’m not a in a good place. I haven’t been in a good place in a long time. I thought things were clear, and I knew what I was doing. But I didn’t. I was clueless. I just let me anger speak and nothing else.

I broke a marriage. I broke a really strong friendship. I broke other friendships and relationships because of my anger. I’m not taking the blame for everything but I’m at least acknowledging that I need help.

I feel like shit right now. I don’t want to break anything anymore.

Note to Self (178) Fork on the Road

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My life is a blessing. All it takes is a spark. The light that makes sense. I’ve been following the path through the darkness, wondering at every turn which direction to follow. Balancing arguments, juggling with concerns until I was too exhausted to think, every time I let my instinct do the talking.

There’s no leap of faith without risk. I’ve lept several times and always landed on my feet, is this time any different?

I am my own savior. With no one else to rely on, I must do what feels right for me. So much I’d like to change, and yet so much I’d like to keep. I can’t have the best of both worlds. Life doesn’t work like that. So compromise I must.

At the end of this journey, I face the familiar fork on the road. Which way to take?

I’ve always applied the principle: things happen for a reason. God put me on this earth for a purpose. If something doesn’t come right away, I must learn how to stay patient.

Right now, certain things weren’t meant to happen. Others were. At the fork on the road, I simply follow the way I think will lead me to my ultimate destination. No looking back, no hesitation.

Whatever path I choose, I’m the master of my own happiness.

Note to Self (177) Bittersweet Symphony

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I thought I could leave the City, start fresh some place else. A new beginning, with many dreams. I was ready to move tomorrow. All I needed was the green light from my boss to transfer to another office. But this green light didn’t come.

I got promoted. I belong to the New York branch. People respect my work. I got many congratulation emails today right after the announcement of my promotion was made. It made me feel special. I matter to this office.

Yet, one part of me is sad. The part that wanted to break free from the City feels cheated. New York isn’t the most important place on the planet… But it feels this way now. My career is here. My life? I don’t know.

I put on an insanity workout tonight and just couldn’t do it. At some point I crouched on my yoga mat and started crying. The motivation was gone. At least for today. I tried to watch tv but nothing made me smile. Not even South Park. And I love South Park.

But the problem doesn’t come from where I am. It comes from a need to change. I think moving elsewhere would solve my issues. But will it change anything? I miss my friends who live where I wanna live, but I see them often enough. I drive or fly to where they are for every holiday. I just miss the idea I can be closer to them.

My boss told me – after we discussed my relocation – your happiness either depends on the job or the location. You must pick one but can’t have both. I’m good with my job. I love the people I work with. The location might make me happier, or it might just make more lonely. I don’t know. I haven’t lived there yet.

I just miss the idea I can leave. I’m not a prisoner and yes I could leave, but saying no to the amount of money I’m making now would be insane. And money doesn’t lead to happiness but being poor doesn’t either.

I need to move out of the apartment where I am and change neighborhoods. My former office mate – who moved to Chicago a few months ago – told me she missed NYC and she was eager to come back.

I don’t know what this city does to people. I hate her so much, yet I’m still married to her. My boss told me all I needed was to be in love. Maybe all I have to do is fall in love with New York again.

WILDEST MOMENTS BLOGFEST – Giveaway!!

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The time for a new blog tour and fantastic giveaways has arrived!! Krystal Wade’s latest volume of her YA Fantasy Darkness Falls, Wilde’s Meadow, has been released on November 5, and to celebrate the event, she’s organizing a giant blog tour where you can win tons of goodies if you share your wildest moments!

Easy enough right?

Today I’m announcing my giveaway in honor of Kate, Arland, Flanna and all the other folks born from the crazy imagination of Ms. Wade. Please check her website here for more info.

Happy endings are hard to find, and even though Katriona is in the middle of a war with someone who’s already stolen more than she can replace, she aches for a positive future with her Draíochtans.

Armed with hope, confidence in her abilities, and a strange new gift from her mother, Kate ventures into the Darkness to defeat a fallen god.

Losses add up, and new obstacles rise to stand in the way. Is the one determined to bring Encardia light strong enough to keep fighting, or will all the sacrifices to stop those who seek domination be for nothing?

Three lucky winners will each get a phone cover with either Wilde’s Fire, Wilde’s Army or Wilde’s Meadow book cover images. All you have to do is leave a comment on this post.

What was my wildest moment? Um. Hard to pick one moment in particular. I have good wild, and bad wild, crazy wild, insane wild, and completely irresponsible wild. So which one should I tell you about? Maybe all of them at some point… Ha. Nah. Today is also my mom’s birthday, and we will keep things sweet and nice. Somewhat.

A wild moment. I was studying abroad in Germany for a few months, Berlin to be exact. The winter in Berlin is very cold, and I got very sick because of the temperature change (I used to live on the French Riviera, which weather is comparable to Florida…). The whole group of students was supposed to go for a week to Rostock, but I stayed behind because I was too sick too travel. For one week, I was by myself, bored out of my mind. Every morning, I went for a walk, took the bus into the center of the city and shopped. I mostly bought movies I would watch later on. There was this piercing and tattoo shop I kept passing by every time I stepped off the bus. I didn’t really care much about tattoos at the time, even less piercings. Come on, I was twenty-two, my rebellious phase had ended by now… Not! One morning, I decided to go inside… To get my tongue pierced. Ha man, now thinking about that, I was just crazy. But, I didn’t go to a shabby piercing parlor where I knew I would get AIDS or lose my tongue nerve… I went to a reputable place. The whole experience felt a bit surreal. The piercing guy first checked if my tongue was long enough to be pierced, then he used a blue light and examined my tongue to find the right spot where to insert the needle. Once set, I nodded I was ready, and he put a huge needle through my tongue. I didn’t feel a thing, I actually felt high. I remember trying to talk while he searched for the barbell he then placed inside my tongue. And that was it! My tongue was pierced!

Of course, for five days, I could barely eat, even less speak because my tongue had swollen twice its size. But after that, I was good to go. Having your tongue pierced is not very practical though. I kept the piercing for six months then removed it. Too many times I chewed on the barbell by accident, and trying to chew a solid bar of stainless steel isn’t the best for your teeth.

But it was fun. So yeah, that was a wild moment in my life. I have many more to share…

Happy birthday Mom! 😉 And remember, this is a hop. For a full list of the participating sites, please click here.

Book Review – Wilde’s Fire by Krystal Wade

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Wilde's Fire (Darkness Falls, #1)Wilde’s Fire by Krystal Wade

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

“There is no pain in this death, only peace, knowing I am going to die with the one I love the most.” – Katriona Wilde

Katriona Wilde has never wondered what it would feel like to have everything she’s ever known and loved ripped away, but she is about to find out. When she inadvertently leads her sister and best friend through a portal into a world she’s dreamed of for six years, she finds herself faced with more than just the frightening creatures in front of her. She’s forced to accept a new truth: her entire life has been a lie, and those closest to her have betrayed her. What’s worse, she has no control over her new future, and it’s full of magic and horrors from which nightmares are made. Will she discover and learn to control who she really is in time to save the ones she loves, or will all be lost?

Okay. Reading Wilde’s Fire was probably number 1 or 2 on my to read list. Unfortunately, with much work and not enough time, it took me a while to actually read the book. But once I started, oh boy… Yep. I was definitely entertained.

Wade’s style is clean, to the point, her descriptions and dialogs are sharp, giving great imagery and providing the right amount of detail for each scene. Battles with demons especially are really well done. Encardia is a world where darkness and evil rule. Once you understand you’ve entered a different dimension, everything makes sense. Character wise, Wilde’s Fire takes you down the epic tale road. If you forget the story is a fantasy tale, you will get the impression some of the characters lack depth, they are too perfect, or too villain, the nuances are weak and the main character Kate, is too naive for her own good. But remember. Wilde’s Fire is not set in our reality. The characters don’t deal with what we face in our every day life. Plus, Kate is young. Wade sets the tone for her MC to mature and grow. Volume 1 of Darkness Falls gives you the taste for a great sequel.

I really enjoyed reading this story. Wade left me hungry for Volume 2, Wilde’s Army, which I will start shortly (and this time I swear, I will read it soon, like today!). I expect more battle scenes, more drama, more deaths, and you know, Wade did an incredible job transporting me to her world. Never once did I think the plot didn’t make sense. Sure, it’s a simple plot, but epic tales are born from simple plots. The Legend of King Arthur, or the Lord of the Rings are not very complex stories, yet, they’re enchanting.

Wilde’s Fire is definitely an enchanting tale. Job well done, Ms Wade.

View all my reviews

Note to Self (176) Detachment

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There’s something eerie about this dread that is falling upon me, like a rain of sadness, washing my happiness away, and filling me up with guilt. Loneliness, never far out, awaits my return. No matter what I do, where I go, if I look behind me, I see the shadows of my past looming, and I think to myself: I must run farther until I can see them no more. But they always seem to travel with me, and despite all my optimism, and my determination, I just feel their weight taking me over.

Lots of things I’d like to say, but I stop myself mid-sentence because I don’t want to sound like a stupid emotional fool, given many people out there don’t really care about my feelings. So I hide behind a wall of detachment. I pretend never to be affected by anything, cold-hearted and insensitive to the pain of the world, and I walk confident, with a smile on my face, because everything is always ok. But is it really ok?

Of course not. I’d like to find a shoulder to cry on, a gentle soul to comfort me. The other side of the bed feels so empty every night, with no one to hold onto. I never should have known what love felt like, because now I miss it. Many times I tell myself, it’s better not to experience the beauty of a relationship. When all the bliss disappears, what remains hurts too much. Every day, I wonder what will become of my life. I want change. I drown myself in my words to find a meaning to my existence. These words give me a sense of control. They make me feel safe. They offer me guidance. They allow me to break free from the routine, and open the door to new worlds.

Yet, the sense of detachment I feel doesn’t last very long. I’m still drawn to people, want to build relationships, because I’m human after all. Words cannot provide me with love or trust. They only take me so far, but the rest of the journey, I have to live it day by day. With the good and the bad, I cannot protect myself against friends who will morph into enemies. I cannot prevent them from hurting me. I suffer, and then heal.

Wisdom teaches me to stay focused. Ready to turn around and move on if something doesn’t work out. We live once. Detachment offers me the support I need when my heart is sealed to any potential aggression, and only I own the key for whoever wants to come in.

Note to Self (175) Hurricane – This time it hit us hard

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Hello everyone!

I hope this post finds you well. I hope all residents of NY and NJ are okay, despite the loss of power. I must say this experience was something out of a movie. Water rushing down tunnels, flooding subway platforms, building lobbies, roads, trees broken in half, cranes collapsing on top of towers, debris flying everywhere…

I live uptown New York City, by the FDR drive, and therefore by the East River. I knew the hurricane would hit us hard, but I remembered last year, and thought – I am safe if I stay home. A dear friend convinced me of the contrary, and thanks to her motherly stubbornness, made me leave NYC on Sunday so I could spend some time with her family in a safer haven in Northern Virginia.

I thanked her and her husband a lot for their generosity, but this post is dedicated to real friendship and solidarity in time of need. I could have stayed in NYC, and then I would have been either stuck in a shelter, or in my apartment waiting for the storm to pass. I would have prayed. I would have petted my cats until they got bald. But I would have been alone against a natural disaster. Since my recent falling out with my closest NY living friend and neighbor, I have been alone – and lonely – and I knew no one would have called or knocked on my door to check if I was alright.

But life sent me someone else to share the good and the bad with. A wonderful writer, a beautiful soul, someone you want to keep in your thoughts every day. Her kids make me so happy, I love them to death.

And yes, I admit I have been an awful fan – she wrote two books and I’m barely in the middle of her first one, Wilde’s Fire. But the friendship is there. And I am deeply grateful for having her in my life.

Another grateful thank you also goes to my publisher Lisa and Eugene of Curiosity Quills, who have been wonderful to me too.

Thanksgiving is around the corner, but I thought, what the heck, I’m going to say thank you now.

🙂

Please check Krystal Wade’s work here. She has published two out of her three Darkness Falls books, Wilde’s Fire and Wilde’s Army.

Wilde’s Meadow will be released by Curiosity Quills on November 5. Make sure to check this blog on November 7 for a special giveaway!!

#CoffinHop2012 – Additional Phone Covers to Win!

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Welcome! This is a blog hop! Please click here to visit the other participants’ blogs to win sensational prizes (and also get spooked. Aren’t we all here to get spooked after all?)

Let my beautiful contest begin!

I could force you to go read Chapter 1 of my fantasy novella Death by Chocolate available here, but I’m not that cruel. 😉 I know what you’re here for. The prizes!!

You have the choice between six EIGHT!! covers. Please pick the one you like and enter your comment below and make sure to also follow my blog so that you can win (in your comment, give your name, let me know what kind of phone you own) – picture and design all copyrighted by moi. 😉 If you don’t have a fancy phone, I can send you a framed postcard for your desk! And if you already follow my blog, just leave a comment then.

Design #1:

Design #2:

Design #3:

Design #4:

Design #5:

Design #6:

Design #7:

Design #8:

Eight winners (for each day of the hop) will be randomly selected at the end of the tour.

Good luck folks and remember this is a hop! 🙂

#CoffinHop2012 – Enter the contest and win a spooky phone cover! Plus you can watch me on Youtube now…

Blog Tour11 Comments


Welcome! This is a blog hop! Please click here to visit the other participants’ blogs to win sensational prizes (and also get spooked. Aren’t we all here to get spooked after all?)

Let my beautiful contest begin!

I could force you to go read Chapter 1 of my fantasy novella Death by Chocolate available here, but I’m not that cruel. 😉 I know what you’re here for. The prizes!!

You have the choice between six covers. Please pick the one you like and enter your comment below and make sure to also follow my blog so that you can win (in your comment, give your name, let me know what kind of phone you own) – picture and design all copyrighted by moi. 😉 If you already follow my blog, just leave a comment then.

Design #1:

Design #2:

Design #3:

Design #4:

Design #5:

Design #6:

Eight winners (for each day of the hop) will be randomly selected at the end of the tour.

Good luck folks and remember this is a hop! 🙂