Note to Self (177) Bittersweet Symphony

I thought I could leave the City, start fresh some place else. A new beginning, with many dreams. I was ready to move tomorrow. All I needed was the green light from my boss to transfer to another office. But this green light didn’t come.

I got promoted. I belong to the New York branch. People respect my work. I got many congratulation emails today right after the announcement of my promotion was made. It made me feel special. I matter to this office.

Yet, one part of me is sad. The part that wanted to break free from the City feels cheated. New York isn’t the most important place on the planet… But it feels this way now. My career is here. My life? I don’t know.

I put on an insanity workout tonight and just couldn’t do it. At some point I crouched on my yoga mat and started crying. The motivation was gone. At least for today. I tried to watch tv but nothing made me smile. Not even South Park. And I love South Park.

But the problem doesn’t come from where I am. It comes from a need to change. I think moving elsewhere would solve my issues. But will it change anything? I miss my friends who live where I wanna live, but I see them often enough. I drive or fly to where they are for every holiday. I just miss the idea I can be closer to them.

My boss told me – after we discussed my relocation – your happiness either depends on the job or the location. You must pick one but can’t have both. I’m good with my job. I love the people I work with. The location might make me happier, or it might just make more lonely. I don’t know. I haven’t lived there yet.

I just miss the idea I can leave. I’m not a prisoner and yes I could leave, but saying no to the amount of money I’m making now would be insane. And money doesn’t lead to happiness but being poor doesn’t either.

I need to move out of the apartment where I am and change neighborhoods. My former office mate – who moved to Chicago a few months ago – told me she missed NYC and she was eager to come back.

I don’t know what this city does to people. I hate her so much, yet I’m still married to her. My boss told me all I needed was to be in love. Maybe all I have to do is fall in love with New York again.

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