Note to Self (203) Thurston

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I’d like to feel numb again. Forget the pain of a loss that happened too soon. There’s nothing like love. But once love dies, and gets replaced by immense sorrow, I can’t stop thinking about ways to kill the ache at the source and get rid of all the emotions that overwhelm me to the core.

I’m sober though and drinking or drugging isn’t an option anymore. I have to accept my kitty Thurston is gone. I must grieve and heal.

I miss him. I miss hearing him meowing, headbutting me at 5 am because he was hungry, spreading litter everywhere on the bathroom floor and lying on his back, his legs in the air, like he was the most mellow cat in the world. High diabetes and kidney failure got the best of him. I hope he found peace and relief.

I loved you lil man. You’re in my heart forever.

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 9: Kiki Fights with Kim

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Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from the scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 9:

Kiki fights with Kim

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 8: Kiki Goes Home

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Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from the scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 8:

Kiki goes home

Note to Self (202) Sober Game

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It’s probably a test. Certain individuals who live their lives one way think they can drag me back to their shallow level because they can’t accept the fact I’m making changes. Drastic changes. Misery loves company, right?

I am still angry as hell. I wish I could let it go but I can’t. I used to be numb to the feeling. I drank it off. Not today. I’m human and I want to feel angry. This is me. I love myself. I am taking care of my health. I’m done fucking around and pretending. You don’t like what you see and read here? Move along. I don’t need low life individuals around me.

I’m done playing. If you have the balls to face me and tell me how you truly feel, more power to you. If you want to bitch about me behind my back, take a good look at yourself. While you’re pointing one finger at me, you’re pointing three fingers at yourself.

Time for bullshit is over. The sober game is on.

Note to Self (201) This Post is for You

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You, the liar, the backstabber, the individual who I thought loved me for me. You haven’t digested the fact that we’re done. You don’t want to see me work on my problems and improve my life because you know you’re a loser. So let me tell you this: being sober makes me want to show you how little you mean to me. You are insignificant. You are such a narrow-minded self centered being, you don’t deserve any pity. So please, hate me. Think the worst of me. I enjoy the fact you keep coming to this blog to read my posts and then, because your brain is so small and unable to process any complex reasoning, you make up stories about how I talk about people behind their back. Yeah, I’m a writer. Everyone’s a freaking source of inspiration here. I will talk about people in my life, may you like it or not. Anything else you say, think or do doesn’t matter now because this post will the last one I’m gonna write about you.

Take a good look at yourself. Enjoy what you’re seeing. In the end, I only wanna laugh at you because you have become so pathetic. At least, you’re not fooling me anymore.

Note to Self (200) AA

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Well, who would have thought I’d write my 200th post about going to an AA meeting, huh? I certainly didn’t. I must say I felt very nervous about going. I didn’t know what to expect, plus my depression had taken a serious toll on me for the past few days, and the urge to drink had become almost unbearable. Yet, I woke up this morning and told myself I had to go to a meeting and socialize. I need to find friends. I need to find people who are healthy and want to live positive lives without drugs or alcohol. I opened my meeting booklet and looked for a time and a place, and I went.

All I can say is that the experience was worth it. I know there’s a support system out there that will help me fight my alcoholism. Yes, I can say it, even if it still makes me cringe. My name is Johanna and I’m an alcoholic. My eyes are wide open. I see the world in a total different light and you know, I have moments where I want to shut my feelings down and drown myself in a bottle of Black Label. But will it help? No. Getting drunk always got me in trouble. I had good times, I cannot lie, but more often than not, I fought, I got angry, I cried, and I felt extremely sick and depressed. The liquor never helped me be a better person. I was mean. I acted irresponsibly. Even if behind the mask of a perfect life I pretended everything was fine, nothing was fine behind closed doors. I beat myself up, guilt trip after guilt trip, thinking my dead relationship with my ex-husband, the fight with my former girlfriend, and the bad experience with the co-worker who sexually took advantage of me while I was at my most vulnerable point were all my fault. Were they?

No, they weren’t. I had my share and the others had theirs. I can’t carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I need to focus on getting stronger, while not using substances to cope when I’m having a bad day. It’s okay to feel like crap sometimes. I’m human. It would be a shame to stop the train from running so soon, because I’m only at the dawn of my life.

So here it is. I’m gonna vent, I’m gonna whine, I’m gonna express myself every time I’m happy or sad, and things can only get better without all the booze in the world.

Goodbye Johnnie Walker Black. We had a crazy ride together, but it’s time for us to part ways, and hopefully, never meet again.

#NewRelease – Death by Chocolate Vol 1 is finally available

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At seventeen years old, Julie deals with more problems than most teenagers her age. After getting into an argument with her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, she runs away from school. Quickly homeless and broke, her escape to Las Vegas leads her to an old Gypsy woman she meets outside of a supermarket when begging for food.

Julie’s hungry and heartbroken. She wants to find shelter from the rain and forget a life she has been despising for years. When the Gypsy offers to read her future in exchange for a meal, the challenge sounds like a dare. The tarot cards reveal a great destiny, and a perilous journey. What else can go wrong that hasn’t already happened? Julie finds the whole act entertaining until the Gypsy gives her a red heart shaped box containing twelve chocolates, and orders her to eat one.

Julie wakes up in an unwelcoming world filled with danger. A boy named Evan introduces himself as her guide, but will he really help her when she needs him the most? Demons of a long forgotten past haunt her dreams and seek revenge for something she doesn’t remember. Too many questions receive too little answers.

Reality and fantasy have melted to become one never ending nightmare where failure equals death. Will Julie accept the truth to survive?

Available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Kobo.

 

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 7: John doesn’t tell the truth

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Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from the scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 7:

John doesn’t tell the truth

Note to Self (199) Sober Living

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Wow. I would never think life sober would be so different. My first impression is that it’s dull and incredibly boring. I’ve become a shell of myself to say something like that, but I guess I’m simply the product of my depression. The drinking took the edge off. I didn’t have to deal with feelings. I focused only on what made me feel good when I was drunk, not what made me feel bad.

I know I have a problem and the recovery will take some time. Of course, every minute of every day I think of having a drink. I want to be high. I want to see the world through my distorted mind, because I can’t take the way the world looks now. It’s a matter of perception. I must change the way I think.

So much to do. So many people live in denial in this town. Alcohol is everywhere. I can’t obsess too much. One day at a time and I’ll feel better.

At least I hope so. Because right now, it really sucks.