Note to Self (200) AA

Well, who would have thought I’d write my 200th post about going to an AA meeting, huh? I certainly didn’t. I must say I felt very nervous about going. I didn’t know what to expect, plus my depression had taken a serious toll on me for the past few days, and the urge to drink had become almost unbearable. Yet, I woke up this morning and told myself I had to go to a meeting and socialize. I need to find friends. I need to find people who are healthy and want to live positive lives without drugs or alcohol. I opened my meeting booklet and looked for a time and a place, and I went.

All I can say is that the experience was worth it. I know there’s a support system out there that will help me fight my alcoholism. Yes, I can say it, even if it still makes me cringe. My name is Johanna and I’m an alcoholic. My eyes are wide open. I see the world in a total different light and you know, I have moments where I want to shut my feelings down and drown myself in a bottle of Black Label. But will it help? No. Getting drunk always got me in trouble. I had good times, I cannot lie, but more often than not, I fought, I got angry, I cried, and I felt extremely sick and depressed. The liquor never helped me be a better person. I was mean. I acted irresponsibly. Even if behind the mask of a perfect life I pretended everything was fine, nothing was fine behind closed doors. I beat myself up, guilt trip after guilt trip, thinking my dead relationship with my ex-husband, the fight with my former girlfriend, and the bad experience with the co-worker who sexually took advantage of me while I was at my most vulnerable point were all my fault. Were they?

No, they weren’t. I had my share and the others had theirs. I can’t carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I need to focus on getting stronger, while not using substances to cope when I’m having a bad day. It’s okay to feel like crap sometimes. I’m human. It would be a shame to stop the train from running so soon, because I’m only at the dawn of my life.

So here it is. I’m gonna vent, I’m gonna whine, I’m gonna express myself every time I’m happy or sad, and things can only get better without all the booze in the world.

Goodbye Johnnie Walker Black. We had a crazy ride together, but it’s time for us to part ways, and hopefully, never meet again.


Add Yours
  1. James Garcia Jr

    Hi, J. You know, I would hazard to guess that each and every one of us has a weakness for something. I know I do, and it’s a struggle. I tested myself recently to see whether alcohol was another of my weaknesses. You see, it’s nothing for me to have a few beers after work, or a few mixed drinks in the winter or to nurse a bottle of White Zin. Our church just went through a fast. My schedule is too crazy for me to have attempted changing my diet for three weeks, but the thought occured to me that it would be the perfect time to make sure I wasn’t addicted to booze. Thankfully I didn’t find that I couldn’t sleep or had any other possible issues. I had my first drink last night. I’d like to think the three weeks off has tought me that I don’t need it, and with my attempting to get into better shape, I hope to back way off.
    It sounds like you are doing very well with where you are. I hope so. I hope to be a better friend by visiting more often than I have of late. When I do, should I find you shouting or throwing virtual things about, I promise to give you some space as you work through this. *high fives*


  2. Robert Adams (@RNAdams2)

    You have my applause for the changes you’re making. Not just removing the alcohol, but also the toxic people from your life. I know, some you just have to deal with (like the jerk who took advantage), but you’re still able to cut some of them out. And then replace them with helpful individuals, like an AA sponsor for one.

    I know it’s not going to be easy in either case–that’s why you deserve praise for going after it. I’m just so very happy for you!

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