Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 6: Kiki Takes a Walk

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from the scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 6:

Kiki takes a walk

Note to Self (198) I Surrender to my Recovery

I attended my first group meeting today – three hours talking about addiction. After leaving the meeting, I felt happy. I found a place where I can openly talk about my issues, where I can let go of the pain that eats me every second of every day. I’m not choosing sobriety, I’m not choosing abstinence. I’m choosing to surrender and accept the fact I have a problem and I cured my depression with alcohol, drugs and sex for too long. This time is over. As a commitment to my recovery, I threw away all my bottles of scotch down the chute. I said a prayer and I let them fall far from my reach. I don’t need to be drunk to enjoy life. I don’t need to drink to write.

I just have to keep focusing on myself, and the road to happiness will show up. I’m sure of it.

Note to Self (197) 8 Ball

eightballLooks easy to do right? You shake the ball and wait for the answer every time you’re unsure about doing something. I admit my life would be much easier that way. No pondering for days, no headache, no heartache, no depression, no therapy. Life isn’t so cruel, I would think, and my worries would become a mere waste of my precious time.

Yet, we all know there’s no magic eight ball to help us answer the questions we are afraid to ask the most. God isn’t there to tell us what to do. He simply guides us toward the light, and leaves us with the burden to decide whether we want to get blinded by it or not. No future avatar of myself is talking to me and giving me advice either for that matter. There’s nothing but the deafening silence, and the inner voice inside my head driving me insane.

That’s why I used to drink. To escape. To apply a bandage over my thoughts and give myself some room to breathe. Did drinking take me anywhere? Nope. Did it help? Absolutely not. I’ve been foolish for too long. I must stay sober for a while, until I get my act together. The introspection has started, and it is painful. I always thought the characters from my stories weren’t really the voice of my subconscious. They were. They always are. Screaming at me, showing me the blinding truth, and I chose to ignore it.

My magic eight ball belongs to an unattainable dream. The one of a life I long to reach, away from the memories that polluted my current existence for too long. Lots of work to do. Many questions to ask. And I can shake the eight ball as much as I can, in the end, it’s up to me to make the right decision while never knowing if I really followed the good path, or if I made a horrible mistake once again.

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 5: Kiki falls asleep (and John wakes her up)

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from the scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 5:

Kiki falls asleep (and John wakes her up)

Note to Self (196) Break In

Sorry for being away. I had to take some serious time off. Find myself again. Look inside my soul and see the light that had been shining there all along. I had lost track of who I was. I wanted to carry so much, I didn’t realize the weight I had put on my shoulders was too much for me to hold. I broke down. Thought the worst. There was no exit, no love left, no redemption possible. I wanted to leave this world with everything I had created behind, my colors, my rainbow, my beautiful magic and my words… All would have disappeared because I felt alone and helpless.

I’m not alone. I’m loved. Life is difficult but is worth it. Why didn’t I realize it earlier? I’m just too overwhelmed with everything.

The loss of a marriage. The loss of a friendship. The loss of a shield I thought I had against everyone, and now I stand naked before all. But I can’t be ashamed of what I’ve become. I’ve learned to be the dragonfly of my dreams, the reborn creature that looks in the mirror and accepts her failures, her mistakes, and all the bad memories. If I was given the possibility to change anything in my life, I’d choose to change nothing. I take the good and the bad, and stare forward. The past shaped me, but didn’t make me forever. I have time to adjust, and to adapt. Some people will feel the change because the change is needed. No more hiding behind a bottle of alcohol. No more believing I can do it all alone. I am proud to say I have a problem, and I need help.

Yes, I had this problem all along. Depression. I’m a writer, a sensitive soul, and therefore prone to feeling down every once in a while. How down is my down? Pretty deep I shall say. Too deep sometimes. A mountain I can’t climb. A peak that laughs at me, and as darkness swallows me whole, grows bigger with every breath I take. There’s really no easy cure. Meds do the trick for a while, until I wake up and listen to the silence of my room, to find loneliness has become my best friend and my worst enemy. I have to stop isolating. I have to stop hanging out with people who drink because they’re too ashamed to admit they have a problem. I have to stop sleeping around. I have to focus on me. Act. Sing. Write. Talk. Talk some more. Talk until I can’t speak anymore, and then walk in the park and cry. Let the river flow, feel the world around me and smile. I know the journey has just begun, but what a journey.

I want to thank all the people who prayed for me, and the ones who worried. I’m still here and promise to work on myself very hard so I can be better.

Lastly, these words are for you: thank you for visiting me, thank you for buying me clothes, thank you for trusting your gut and not giving up on me. You’re a true friend. Not a back stabber. Not a liar. You are the reason why everything finally made sense. Love. Without this love, we are nothing. You were my light every day at six pm. You made this hour the best hour of the entire day.

And to all the ones I met while being secluded from the outside world, I want to say thank you for staying true to yourself. Mona, Liz, Hilda, Veronica, Reneydo: you made my stay worthwhile and I wish you all the very best. Bless you guys.

Note to Self (195) Back to Black

So I admit, I lost it yesterday. I have these moments where all I want is to die. I just can’t take the pressure anymore. I feel like a failure, a real piece of shit. Then I start writing on this blog and texting close friends and everyone keeps telling me to cut the crap. Yeah. I know. I’m focusing on the negative. Too much shit really. All the fucked up memories come back to life and haunt me. I can’t think of the past. I’m not fucked up. Just a fragile porcelain doll who sometimes needs a break. Getting a break usually means not sleeping and crying all night long, but hey, we all need outlets, right?

I contemplated dying last night. I really did. Ending it all with a bottle of pills. Not waking up the next day. Seeing no point in anything I do. Giving up. Exiting like a coward. I’m still here. Breathing. My cats would miss me too much if I died now. Lol Trying to cheer myself up. I can’t be selfish. Too many people depend on me, and love me. I sometimes forget them because the omnipresent darkness swallows me whole. I feel like a clown who has to put up an act to make people laugh, but inside, I’m crying. I’m sad.

I just want so much. I’m hungry for more. I want to succeed. I want to be free from the day job, and the routine, and the pain. Will I ever be free from the pain though? Without it, I can’t write. These words will really save me.

My heart aches, but I’ll be okay. Another dawn, another day. Black is very trendy anyway so I’m fashionable in my own misery.

My subconscious should slap me for saying stuff like that.

Note to Self (194) American Dream

I have a friend who’s older than me. He often gets depressed because he says his life serves no purpose. He goes to work, lives alone, and parties with his friends every weekend. Binge drinks. Forgets reality for a few hours before starting a new cycle and getting depressed again.

I keep saying we all have a purpose. But tonight I feel like my life is just a big failure too. My family’s too far away. So is my best friend. The rest of the people here – I care for them but I’m so lonely. After my fight with my former good friend, I got no one here. I celebrated the holidays alone, getting drunk, crying in my pillow I wanted the holidays to just go away and never come back.

I had a dream. I spent money on a masters of law to become a freaking office bitch. My aspirations stopped short when interview after interview I heard the same speech. So I compromised and took the fat paycheck because I felt guilty to be unemployed. My ex used to tell me to switch jobs, become more than what I was, so I could earn more and he could stop working. Just the tip of the bullshit iceberg.

My dream got crushed into a million pieces. I lost an awful marriage. Now I look at couples on the street and feel like shit. I want kids. Can’t raise any in this environment. Where’s the house, the pick up truck and the dog? Nowhere to be found. I shlep my ass to work, survive solely on writing. I got nothing else.

I’m not complaining. I know there are people worse than me out there. What saddens me is that I am thirty and I’ve accomplished nothing. I wasted years studying law and I’m no law lover. I listened to my father, too afraid of disappointing him. My dream was my escape. And now? I’m stuck.

My friend has a lot most people don’t have. He should be happy. But he’s not. I guess the grass is always greener. I just feel way too lonely for my own good. I hate this empty town. I hate these heartless people. I just want to disappear without a tear, without a trace, as if I had never existed.

My dream was a lie. I realized that tonight. And it breaks my heart.

Disciple Blog Tour – Interview with Louise Blankenship for Disciple Series #Fantasy #Romance

Hello all,

Today I have the pleasure of featuring an interview with author Louise Blankenship as part of her Disciple blog tour to introduce the readers to her Disciple series.

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L. Blankenship started writing animal stories as a kid and it’s just gotten completely out of hand since then. Now she’s out publishing her gritty fantasy and hard science fiction adventures. L grew up in New Hampshire but currently lives near Washington, DC.

Email: blankenship.louise(at)gmail(dot)com
Twitter: LBlankenship_sf
Facebook: LBlankenship or Disciple
Goodreads Author: L. Blankenship
Google+: L. Blankenship or Disciple

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Q: Tell us a bit about yourself and your current projects.

I am a sometime graphic designer and prepress tech who has gone over to the dark side of fantasy and science fiction writing. My novel, Disciple, is a hard fantasy romance in six parts. Disciple, Part I, is available from all of the major electronic retailers. I am currently running a Kickstarter campaign to support the production of Disciple, Part II. Part III will follow later this year.

 

Q: When and why did you begin writing?

I’m not entirely sure when I began writing. It was before I was ten years old, certainly. I remember asking my parents if I could use their typewriter (to give you an idea how long ago this was) and I remember turning it on and the crickety hum it made. I typed out a little animal story, just a couple hundred words or so. And it was all downhill from there.

 

Q: When did you first consider yourself a writer?

It was only very recently that I fully embraced the madness that is writing. Early 2012, maybe? I began my writing blog ing February of 2012, so I suppose that’s as good a date as any.

 

Q: What inspired you to write your first book?

That was so long ago that I can’t remember. My first attempt at a novel came back when I was a freshman in high school — back in, um, ’85?

 

Q: How did you come up with the title of your work?

A disciple is the lowest rank of magic-user, in my fantasy world. Kate starts out the series as a lowly disciple. I think the devotion and the learning implied in the word “disciple” are a good fit to the development she goes through over the six parts of the story.

 

Q: What’s your writing style? Is there a message in your novel that you want readers to grasp?

My style is realistic, which can get graphic sometimes. Gruesome, maybe, but I don’t mean for it to be horror and I don’t do it just to shock the reader. Life just gets ugly, sometimes. I put a lot of work into the depth of the world, which I hope contributes to a lived-in feel. Voice is important to me, as an important part of the world-building and the characters. There’s no specific message in Disciple. I would prefer to pose questions, and let the readers reach their own conclusions, than to give them a message.

 

Q: What books have influenced your life most?

I’m terrible at these sorts of questions because I don’t spend time thinking about who has influenced me and why. Everything I have read has influenced me, however slightly or greatly. Those required readings in high school. The piles of schlocky movie script adaptations. A long list of the usual suspects, for fantasy and science fiction: Tolkien, Bradbury, Le Guin, Leiber, etc. Children’s classics and no-name fanfic writers. They’ve shown me how to tell stories well. They’ve shown me how to tell stories badly. It’s all part of learning to write.

 

Q: Who is your favorite author and what is it that really strikes you about their work?

I hesitate to say I have a favorite, for the reasons mentioned above. But there is one author (only one) whose work I will buy for no more reason than her name being on the cover: Lynn Flewelling. It’s not that anything in particular strikes me about her work — it’s overall quality and consistency of quality. Given how nit-picky a reader I am, that’s something.

 

Q: Do you have any advice for other writers?

Take the time to master the craft of writing. It takes time.

 

Q: Do you have anything specific you want to say to your readers?

See the book trailer for Disciple, Part II at Kickstarter! Through the end of January, you can pre-order Part II, or buy a bundle of both parts, to help support the production. And get some goodies. Part II will be on sale April 1st.

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As a treat to the readers, I’m pasting here the first chapter of Disciple I. Thank you Louise for stopping by and best of luck with everything on the tour and with Disciple!!

DISCIPLE, PART I sample

CHAPTER ONE

“You couldn’t sleep either?”

At the whisper, I looked up from struggling to lace my boots with trembling hands. My master stepped into my dormitory room, adding his lamp’s light to my candle.

“Why must I dress as a boy?” I whispered back. Perhaps I was not so buxom, but I doubted I’d fool anyone. “This makes little sense.”

“Patience.” Master Parselev placed his lamp on my writing-table and checked my packed bags. “They’re gathering at the chapel already. None of us got much sleep, it seems.”

The straw mattress creaked when I stood, boots laced and the woolen hose sagging between my thighs. I ran my fingers around my waist, under my layered cotes, to check the drawstring. “Are these right, Master?” I’d strung the hose and braies together as best I could guess and as memory was my Blessing I had no excuse for failing. Men’s underthings weren’t much concern to me — if I saw such, or more, it was while the man lay bleeding on the surgery table.

“If they stay up, it’s right. Good. This too.” He slung a heavy felt cloak across my shoulders and pinned it on. The hood buried my face in shadows; my blonde braid, even wrapped around my head, would give me away.

I asked, “Master, this journey will be long, won’t it?” Parselev had given me more clothes than I’d ever owned to pack in those bags. All heavy winter woolens, too. “Shouldn’t you go, then?”

He looked down at me, mouth quirking to one side. Master was a greybeard, said to be over a hundred years old, but his kir kept his eyes bright and his face lightly creased. I had only been his apprentice two years. Surely I could not be ready for this.

“It must be you, Kate,” was all he said. He carried one of my bags, and I took the other.

Wreathed in breath-clouds, we crossed the Order’s campus. Low on the horizon, the slim, waxing crescent of the Shepherd hung golden, all seven of his Flock scattered in the sky behind him. He gave the only hint that dawn was coming. The cloak kept me marvelously warm, even in the chilly breeze. No frost this morning, not yet, but it was only a few weeks off.

Master un-bolted the side gate and led me to the door of the Grand Chapel. Horses waited on the grass, many horses chewing at their bits and shaking their heads, most of them with knights in the saddles. The knights’ black tabards, worn over suits of mail, had a white horse embroidered on the right shoulder and two gold stars on the left, marking them knights and Prince’s Guard as well. Kite shields and bucket helms hung on their saddles, in easy reach.

Several of the horses stood with empty saddles, collectively held by a couple of pageboys, and that gave me pause. I’d never been on a horse; I was only a peasant girl. But it could not be so awful, I told myself, so I gripped my cloak a little tighter and followed Master Parselev inside.

My new boots rang too loudly in the empty chapel, and when I slowed to lighten my step I fell behind. Only one lamp burned on the high table before the icons, and its light was mostly blocked by those gathered below the two steps. Faces were cast in shadow as they turned toward us — all looming in the dim light, some cloaked like me, others not — and I knew none of them. I kept my head down as I joined my master before them, glad the hood hid my face.

“Not ready, Elect?” one asked, his voice low but strong. “Who’s this?”

“My apprentice will safeguard the travelers,” my master answered. “She has —”

“What?” The man stepped closer, his shoulders blocking out the light.

“Majesty, she’s my finest student.” Parselev put up a hand when the stranger reached for my hood.

My knees trembled as the word echoed in my head. Majesty. I stood before the king of Wodenberg. Wobbling a bit, I dropped to one knee in obeisance, fist pressed to my heart. The king yanked off my hood while I stared at the flagstone floor, pulse pounding.

“This girl?” the king demanded. “You trust a mere disciple with this mission?”

 

 

 

 

Note to Self (193) It Feels Way Too Damn Good Not To Talk About It

Friendship. It comes and goes. Sometimes you fuck up something good, because you’re just a moron, and then when you realize what you lost, you either live in denial or you take action. Apologize. Make amends. Find a way back to where you were before you behaved like an asshole. Well, when things actually work out in your favor, you get it back. And it feels way too damn good not to talk about it.

Thanks for being my friend. You know who you are. I really was an asshole. You forgave me anyway. Gosh. I am so grateful. This post is dedicated to our everlasting friendship!

More power to us. I feel invincible.

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 4: Kiki’s in a better mood (somewhat)

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from the scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 4:

Kiki’s in a better mood (somewhat)