Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 22: Addiction #KikiReynolds

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Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 22:

Addiction

Note to Self (231) Talk To Me

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I missed you. Hearing your voice, laughing at stupid jokes, this is what I need right now. I haven’t found many who could keep me entertained. The ones who do get my full attention are hard to find. It doesn’t take much, just enough to get the ball rolling. Maybe what I see as an easy way to catch my eye is something much harder than it seems.

I don’t need role play. I don’t need superficiality. Money can’t buy what I long to find in this lifetime. Words and only words will light the spark that will keep my fire burning forever. Are you up to the challenge?

Driving a Ferrari takes a lot of skills. Patience, dedication, just the right amount of love and care to make me drive for miles onward. Yes, I just compared myself to a car. I could compare myself to a beautiful piece of music, a brilliant book, or the most delicious chocolate cake you’ve ever tasted.

The spark needs to be there, otherwise I’m in idle mode. Words flow, intrigue me, make me want to know more about you. If your words don’t work their magic, I’m as good as a rusty pile of steel in a junkyard.

Under the expert hands of an artist, the steel comes to life. Becomes beautiful, eerie, and touches my heart. Open my mind with your words and let’s embark on the journey. A talk – a great talk – is really all I need.

Note to Self (230) Les Miserables

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Oh boy, I haven’t cried watching a movie in so long. This was truly the most amazing piece of art I’ve seen in quite a long time. I grew up reading and studying the work of Victor Hugo – truly the most amazing author who will remain at the top of my list forever – and I forged my writing according to his style. To me, he is the master and I’m only the apprentice. The words of love, dedication, passion, raw life painted under his brush with so much finess and detail, resonate strong within me.

There’s nothing more I’d love to convey in my own art. So much to learn, so much to admire, I’m in awe. Watching the movie brought me back to the time of my youth, when I was only speaking and writing in French. The country where I was born has now become a distant memory, tainted with awful politics and a lot of other stuff that pisses me off beyond belief. But when I think of my childhood, and history lessons, how people fought and died for freedom, I feel joy. Nothing can be taken for granted. The way my country of origin has turned into cannot replace the proud I built reading the work of brilliant authors and poets who made this country the gem it truly is. Under the dirt, the hate, the lost values and wasted time, my country is beautiful.

I learned to love again through my love of words. I hope from the bottom of my heart the work of Victor Hugo will never be forgotten, because it’s pure heaven.

Thank you for this gift.

 

Note to Self (229) Impatience

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Define yourself. Tell me in a few words who you are. Not the image you project into the outside world, but your inner self, the real you you only dare to reveal to the very few who happen to catch your interest for longer than a mere few seconds. It doesn’t take much to know who to trust. We have friends who last a reason, a season or a lifetime. But the ones who feed off your soul and manage to keep you on your toes, these ones last forever.

Stare at the stars and watch the milky way fade away into the darkness of the universe. What do you see? As the breeze brushes the skin of your face, your heartbeat increases and you take a deep breath. You belong here. You’ve always known you felt more than everyone else around you, but could never really explain how and why until this very moment. Silence isn’t uncomfortable anymore. You listen to the sounds around you and understand what they mean. Your mind races away, a million thoughts a second, wanting to catch the beauty of the black sky before sunset. You speak. Whatever you say, I follow. It doesn’t have to be smart or complex, yet I find a mesmerizing intelligence in all your statements.

A smile. Closing your eyes, you see beyond yourself and embrace every breathing second you’re awake. The journey to your mind has barely started and I already find myself getting lost – gladly – into the maze that are your thoughts.

When will I ever be able to finally get it all to myself, like the selfish and impatient addict I was born to be? I must wait. Appreciate the calm before the storm. Baby steps, before I can run and unlatch you from your ground. I long to unravel all the mysteries that made you who you are, but the few words you gave me as an introduction will suffice for now.

One can never think too much. Your mind holds a treasure that will never die.

Note to Self (228) God

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I’d like to believe there’s something bigger than us out there, and we’re not the simple product of luck. I still am a control freak, and don’t really feel like I can rely on God to solve all my problems. Much of my willpower helped me become the writer and the individual I am today. Was it God’s choice for me to be this way? Inherently, I’m a combination of a billions genes my mother and father gave me when they conveived me. Their own path and fate was sealed by the genetics given to them by their parents, and so on. Was it God’s will to guide my dad out of France and make him meet my mom in Germany? Was it God’s will to have them fall in love and get married, and have me? Or was it just luck? Plain coincidence?

When I pray to God, I pray to the ultimate perfect intelligence who knows everything about anything. Is it Jesus? Is it his father? Do I believe in all the prayers and principles I learned while in Catholic school? I call myself a Christian but truly, what am I?

I believe in the natural order of things. If God is in charge of this order, then why do we have so much chaos? So many wars? So much hatred? Human beings are imperfect, always struggling for power and control. We think we’re the best, the only ones, but are we truly worth the effort we put into fighting all the time?

God is love. Yet when I look around, I only see humans interacting with each other, based on the values they grew up with, and either embraced or rejected, and formed new ones based on the environment they live in. Where’s God when the market crashes? Where’s God when children get kidnapped and murdered for no reason? Where’s God when poor people die on the street from hunger, and rich assholes drown under piles of cocaine? Where’s God when all you have is an addiction you can’t win against, but only attempt to tame?

So much injustice. So much unfairness. God is balance. Where’s the balance here? If we were created to God’s image, why can’t we be better with each other? I refuse to believe blindly. I refuse to accept facts that can’t be proven. My faith has always been in myself, because this is the only truth I know. The only one I can rely on. God never showed me the light. God never spoke in my ear and told me what to do. How can I relinquish control over to a being who remains indifferent to mankind’s demise?

I sometimes feel this earth was better off without mankind to destroy it all. Animals don’t believe in any God. They spawn, kill for food and territory, and die. Their life is simple. No society imposing rules that don’t make any sense, no corrupt officials abusing their power.

I believe in God, but really at this point, God is just a word. I believe in love, compassion, dedication, honor, trust. I believe in positive outcomes. I believe in second chances. I believe in redemption. God will not give me what I need unless I fend for myself. God never took care of me. My parents did. It’s weird. I was an atheist as a kid, and then became a believer again.

I thought I knew, yet God seems so foreign to me right now.

Note to Self (227) Dream

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Stuck between fantasy and reality, in a blur of sensations, emotions come and go like waves crashing onto the shore. I don’t know why my mind keeps drifting away, never at rest, always seeking the final relief that will give my life its true purpose.

The truth seems infinite. Impossible to grasp in the blink of an eye, it disappears and stays hidden. How can I finally shut down and let go of the past? Memories flood my brain, choking me to death. One breath feels too much at the moment. I sink deeper, willing to surrender.

But that moment never comes. And I wander awake in the land of my dreams, until I’m too exhausted to stand.

Life gives me strange gifts. Some of them feel soft to the touch, and others look attractive to the mind. But how much can I trust the feelings that overwhelm me? I may never know, as the truth slips away insidiously through my fingers like grains of sand.

I can’t think, can’t remember. All I see will vanish as soon as I wake up. Prisoner of the dream, I break free when dawn lifts the veil of darkness around me.

My eyes sting. My mouth utters a growl and I bury my head into my pillow. The dream was so beautiful, I didn’t want it to end. But it ended nonetheless because the truth escaped me once again.

So I linger. Wait for my light to shine. And the dream, my dream, wraps me in a cocoon of bliss as my eyes close and my mind unravels to the wildest corners of my subconscious.

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 21: John is Happy #KikiReynolds

Kiki ReynoldsWrite a comment

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 21:

John is Happy

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 20: First Meeting #KikiReynolds

Kiki ReynoldsWrite a comment

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 20:

First Meeting

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 19: John Feels Helpless #KikiReynolds

Kiki ReynoldsWrite a comment

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 19:

John Feels Helpless

#BookReview Try Not To Burn by Michael David Matula

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Try Not to BurnTry Not to Burn by Michael David Matula
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Great great work!! I didn’t want the book to end, that’s how good it was! Wow, just wow. I’m blown away. M. Matula created a world where I immersed myself completely. Purgatory – his own vision – and what a vision. I almost wanted to be there, and be part of the action.

Just a great novel to read for all fans of paranormal/fantasy.

Thank you for such a delightful tale.

View all my reviews