I’d like to believe there’s something bigger than us out there, and we’re not the simple product of luck. I still am a control freak, and don’t really feel like I can rely on God to solve all my problems. Much of my willpower helped me become the writer and the individual I am today. Was it God’s choice for me to be this way? Inherently, I’m a combination of a billions genes my mother and father gave me when they conveived me. Their own path and fate was sealed by the genetics given to them by their parents, and so on. Was it God’s will to guide my dad out of France and make him meet my mom in Germany? Was it God’s will to have them fall in love and get married, and have me? Or was it just luck? Plain coincidence?
When I pray to God, I pray to the ultimate perfect intelligence who knows everything about anything. Is it Jesus? Is it his father? Do I believe in all the prayers and principles I learned while in Catholic school? I call myself a Christian but truly, what am I?
I believe in the natural order of things. If God is in charge of this order, then why do we have so much chaos? So many wars? So much hatred? Human beings are imperfect, always struggling for power and control. We think we’re the best, the only ones, but are we truly worth the effort we put into fighting all the time?
God is love. Yet when I look around, I only see humans interacting with each other, based on the values they grew up with, and either embraced or rejected, and formed new ones based on the environment they live in. Where’s God when the market crashes? Where’s God when children get kidnapped and murdered for no reason? Where’s God when poor people die on the street from hunger, and rich assholes drown under piles of cocaine? Where’s God when all you have is an addiction you can’t win against, but only attempt to tame?
So much injustice. So much unfairness. God is balance. Where’s the balance here? If we were created to God’s image, why can’t we be better with each other? I refuse to believe blindly. I refuse to accept facts that can’t be proven. My faith has always been in myself, because this is the only truth I know. The only one I can rely on. God never showed me the light. God never spoke in my ear and told me what to do. How can I relinquish control over to a being who remains indifferent to mankind’s demise?
I sometimes feel this earth was better off without mankind to destroy it all. Animals don’t believe in any God. They spawn, kill for food and territory, and die. Their life is simple. No society imposing rules that don’t make any sense, no corrupt officials abusing their power.
I believe in God, but really at this point, God is just a word. I believe in love, compassion, dedication, honor, trust. I believe in positive outcomes. I believe in second chances. I believe in redemption. God will not give me what I need unless I fend for myself. God never took care of me. My parents did. It’s weird. I was an atheist as a kid, and then became a believer again.
I thought I knew, yet God seems so foreign to me right now.