So I play the piano… I write more than I play, obviously. My skills are rusted now. I thought I’d post this one as a memory of my playing skills.
Here’s Sweet Movement.
🙂
Note to Self (225) Kiki Breaks Free
Kiki wakes up every morning thinking she could do something better with her life, like being creative, and entertaining crowds, but instead, Kiki’s stuck in a world she despises. If she could she’d leave right now and get in her car, drive for hours, listening to music, and forgetting all about her worries, her bills to pay, and the life of dread she wakes up in every day. Kiki just wants peace. She wants love. Human connections that make her life richer and fuller.
Maybe she can plead insanity when it comes to dealing with her life. Everyting’s too much. Too stressful. Too hard. She can’t keep up with it all. She just wants to retire on an island and write. Because words mean the world to her. Because words allow her to escape, and break free from the routine. Words are her passport out of the doom.
It isn’t dark where Kiki leaves. It’s just not bright enough. Not cheerful enough. Kiki seeks bliss. A break. A nice long break.
As she takes a drag from her e-cigarette, she remembers what it was like to be a little girl with too many dreams. Hiking through fields and climbing on top of her hill, at the top of her world, and staring at the horizon, wanting to take over the universe by storm. Kiki likes to feel powerful, and as she contemplates the realm of possibilities beyond skyscrapers, she sees meadows, and cows, and no civilization nearby. Just her, queen of her imagination. No crown or tiara, no princess dress. Just rubber boots, an ill-fitting summer dress and a straw hat.
Kiki listens to the silence and takes a deep breath. At the end of the day, she’ll be herself again. Not angry, not sad.
It’s just another shitty morning at the office, and she’ll make it through, because she’s a tough cookie.
Note to Self (224) Struggle
Quietly back home, I listen to the silence of my apartment. The fridge is humming in the kitchen. The small feng shui fountain drips quietly by the bathroom. I’m sitting here in my pajamas, writing away my thoughts, so that they would leave me alone. My mind enters a blur I know all too well. The darkness within lurks and waits, wanting to take me over, like it did so many times in the past. The monster, my monster, lives inside my brain. I can’t get rid of it. Hearing others share about their struggle helps me often, but sometimes, it makes everything worse.
I remember the times where it was me against the world. My bottle of Black Label safely tucked beside me like a child, I nursed my addiction with love and patience. The memories would go away with the drunken fog. I wouldn’t be bothered by them for a few hours, and finally I would breathe. But did I ever really breathe? Did I ever feel like myself for all these years I drank?
My monster – the insane spider – wants to return and rule my world. But I won’t let her. I can’t. The past is too painful to experience again. Memories of how I treated my ex-husband, and friends, co-workers, acquaintances, flow back and scare me. Will I ever be able to be in a normal relationship with anyone? Will I ever be able to love? I feel full of love and compassion, yet the spider tells me I’m a selfish bastard. There’s so much I want to give the world, but I hate playing victim. A lot of pain molded me into the individual I am today. Everyone goes through pain. I’m not unique. I’m not special.
Pause. I listen to the humming of the fridge and when the humming stops, I listen to my cat breathing. This animal shows me unconditional love. Unconditional trust. My cat wouldn’t love me as much if I wasn’t able to love her. My life is great. There’s nothing I should complain about. But here, in the silence of my apartment, I feel something’s missing. A voice to tell me I’m safe, a voice to reassure me I’m doing the right thing. My struggle is normal. Every few days, I feel that way.
I must stay strong. I have many people around who support me and care about me. My poodle, my guardian angel, my sober friends, my family. I’m safe. I’m loved. The spider needs to shut up for just a little bit. Go to sleep. Dream about your stories and how you can create anything you want with your powerful imagination. Tomorrow is a new day.
I’ll be fine.
Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 18: Kiki Wakes Up #KikiReynolds
Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.
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Episode 18:
Note to Self (223) Don’t Quit Before The Miracle Happens
I used to think I stood alone against the world. I could face any challenge and defeat it by myself. I never asked for help. Never showed my weaknesses. The little I felt I kept it hidden. I was born strong. Invincible. Ready to conquer and become the emperor of this universe.
That behavior proved to achieve many successes along the years. I showed independence, ambition, strength of character. Nothing could break me. If a hurdle came in my way, I’d jump over it like it never existed. My perseverance and tenacity held until my sense of self completely disappeared to be replaced by greed, arrogance, and disdain. I didn’t care what you thought of me – but deep inside, I did. Oh how I tried to change for you people. Become the one you always wanted me to be. No fun. No writing. No tattoos. No sarcasm. No eccentricity. I had to fit the mold or I was out.
Yet, the mold never fitted. Always too big, or too small, I gave up trying to conform. I decided at thirteen years old I’d be a loner. No matter what you said behind my back, I didn’t flinch. I Â turned into a fighter. My fists and my words were my best defense mechanism. If you didn’t understand me, not my problem. You were a loser. You were narrow-minded. The few who stuck around never stayed for long. I multiplied acquaintances, and lost true friends. I didn’t reveal myself – except a couple of times – because I was scared to get hurt. I’ve been told I had a tendency to trust people too much. But I didn’t show my true colors either. Just the bit I wanted you to see. You didn’t witness the rage, the violence, the pain. Only a few people witnessed my distress. Did they help me then? No, they didn’t. Actually, they told me I needed help. Did I listen? Of course not.
I remained stubborn until the end. Until I had nothing left to defeat. No ex-husband to fight against. No catty girlfriend to argue with. I finally accepted my own failure. I had lost the battle against myself. If I wanted to change, I had to take drastic measures. Rebuild what had been broken by my stupidity. Learn how to crawl before walking. Just become the kind individual I was always supposed to be. My flaws are also my best assets. Used the right away, they will take me to the Moon! But like powerful tools, I have to learn how to use them in moderation.
Humility. Gratitude. I thank today for being so wonderful, with its ups and downs, its surprises and its challenges. I welcome with open arms this new chance that has been given to me. I had truly become insane for a while. I had lost all faith. Now, I’m working toward improvement. Never perfection. I cannot be satisfied nor complacent. Just content with every minute I feel this peace all around, because I know deep inside I’m on the right track, and won’t quit before the miracle happens.
Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 17: John Gets a Wake Up Call #KikiReynolds
Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.
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Episode 17:
Note to Self (222) Wake Up!
Enough with complacency. Enough taking everything for granted. Just like my books, I’m a WIP and must improve every day of the week. There’s no time to waste. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. Doesn’t mean I can’t make mistakes anymore. No one’s perfect. I have to keep at it. Relentlessly, but also smoothly. Forcing things upon myself is like forcing a cat on your lap who doesn’t want to be petted. Everything comes with patience. Discipline. Self-control. Restraint of tongue. Observe and apply. Try again if you fail the first time. Life’s a game, however you want to play is your decision to make. God has a plan, but you got the freedom to walk away. Pray and listen if you want to know what’s in the stars for you.
A few months ago, I painted the world black. No hope. No love. Just this dreading loneliness that ate every part of my sanity. What do I know about my future now that I didn’t know then? Not much, except I’m alive. Healthy. Sane. Every day when I open my eyes, I welcome life. I say thank you for my day when I go to sleep. Nothing looks the same to me. I still worry too much, always scared I’m going to do something wrong and lose everything at stake. But the game is on. I can’t stop playing except once I’m dead. What hand will I play next? Full house? Double pair? Do I pass? I spent too much time in the dark. Being scared doesn’t achieve anything. There’s a purpose for me out there.
My sanity is my gift. Even when sometimes I think it’s a curse. One minute at a time, that’s all it takes to stay on track.
Wake up and enjoy the present moment because you’ll never get to enjoy it again.
Carpe diem.
Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 16: Kiki Doesn’t Like Bowling #KikiReynolds
Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.
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Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 15: John Has Second Thoughts #KikiReynolds
Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.
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Book Review – Blood Zero Sky by J. Gabriel Gates
Blood Zero Sky by J. Gabriel Gates
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Blood Zero Sky. An intriguing title for an amazing novel. I found this gem completely by accident. The first chapter was enough to convince me my purchase wasn’t a mistake.
Gates’s style is clean, his prose impeccable, the plot remarkable. He gives no embellishment, no happy ending. Just a glimpse of realistic hope we can all grab onto, until we realize we hold the power to change everything, or let the world die because of greed. Some readers who reviewed the book thought the whole concept of the book – which is an hyperbol of how screwed capitalism can lead us to if pushed to an extreme – was too serious, too heavy, just too much. I loved it. I’m a capitalist at heart, and I strongly believe in capitalism. But like anything else, extremes are dangerous. Greed, profit, the loss of self for material and superficial gain will cause the destruction of every ideal the founders of this country fought for.
Gates’s characters are definitely on point. Their evolution is smooth, realistic, simply beautiful to witness. I loved this book and wished at every page it were my own.
Blood Zero Sky is the type of story you are delighted to find, because every word hits a homerun.
The Manicheans 