Note to Self (223) Don’t Quit Before The Miracle Happens

I used to think I stood alone against the world. I could face any challenge and defeat it by myself. I never asked for help. Never showed my weaknesses. The little I felt I kept it hidden. I was born strong. Invincible. Ready to conquer and become the emperor of this universe.

That behavior proved to achieve many successes along the years. I showed independence, ambition, strength of character. Nothing could break me. If a hurdle came in my way, I’d jump over it like it never existed. My perseverance and tenacity held until my sense of self completely disappeared to be replaced by greed, arrogance, and disdain. I didn’t care what you thought of me – but deep inside, I did. Oh how I tried to change for you people. Become the one you always wanted me to be. No fun. No writing. No tattoos. No sarcasm. No eccentricity. I had to fit the mold or I was out.

Yet, the mold never fitted. Always too big, or too small, I gave up trying to conform. I decided at thirteen years old I’d be a loner. No matter what you said behind my back, I didn’t flinch. I  turned into a fighter. My fists and my words were my best defense mechanism. If you didn’t understand me, not my problem. You were a loser. You were narrow-minded. The few who stuck around never stayed for long. I multiplied acquaintances, and lost true friends. I didn’t reveal myself – except a couple of times – because I was scared to get hurt. I’ve been told I had a tendency to trust people too much. But I didn’t show my true colors either. Just the bit I wanted you to see. You didn’t witness the rage, the violence, the pain. Only a few people witnessed my distress. Did they help me then? No, they didn’t. Actually, they told me I needed help. Did I listen? Of course not.

I remained stubborn until the end. Until I had nothing left to defeat. No ex-husband to fight against. No catty girlfriend to argue with. I finally accepted my own failure. I had lost the battle against myself. If I wanted to change, I had to take drastic measures. Rebuild what had been broken by my stupidity. Learn how to crawl before walking. Just become the kind individual I was always supposed to be. My flaws are also my best assets. Used the right away, they will take me to the Moon! But like powerful tools, I have to learn how to use them in moderation.

Humility. Gratitude. I thank today for being so wonderful, with its ups and downs, its surprises and its challenges. I welcome with open arms this new chance that has been given to me. I had truly become insane for a while. I had lost all faith. Now, I’m working toward improvement. Never perfection. I cannot be satisfied nor complacent. Just content with every minute I feel this peace all around, because I know deep inside I’m on the right track, and won’t quit before the miracle happens.

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