Note to Self (224) Struggle

Quietly back home, I listen to the silence of my apartment. The fridge is humming in the kitchen. The small feng shui fountain drips quietly by the bathroom. I’m sitting here in my pajamas, writing away my thoughts, so that they would leave me alone. My mind enters a blur I know all too well. The darkness within lurks and waits, wanting to take me over, like it did so many times in the past. The monster, my monster, lives inside my brain. I can’t get rid of it. Hearing others share about their struggle helps me often, but sometimes, it makes everything worse.

I remember the times where it was me against the world. My bottle of Black Label safely tucked beside me like a child, I nursed my addiction with love and patience. The memories would go away with the drunken fog. I wouldn’t be bothered by them for a few hours, and finally I would breathe. But did I ever really breathe? Did I ever feel like myself for all these years I drank?

My monster – the insane spider – wants to return and rule my world. But I won’t let her. I can’t. The past is too painful to experience again. Memories of how I treated my ex-husband, and friends, co-workers, acquaintances, flow back and scare me. Will I ever be able to be in a normal relationship with anyone? Will I ever be able to love? I feel full of love and compassion, yet the spider tells me I’m a selfish bastard. There’s so much I want to give the world, but I hate playing victim. A lot of pain molded me into the individual I am today. Everyone goes through pain. I’m not unique. I’m not special.

Pause. I listen to the humming of the fridge and when the humming stops, I listen to my cat breathing. This animal shows me unconditional love. Unconditional trust. My cat wouldn’t love me as much if I wasn’t able to love her. My life is great. There’s nothing I should complain about. But here, in the silence of my apartment, I feel something’s missing. A voice to tell me I’m safe, a voice to reassure me I’m doing the right thing. My struggle is normal. Every few days, I feel that way.

I must stay strong. I have many people around who support me and care about me. My poodle, my guardian angel, my sober friends, my family. I’m safe. I’m loved. The spider needs to shut up for just a little bit. Go to sleep. Dream about your stories and how you can create anything you want with your powerful imagination. Tomorrow is a new day.

I’ll be fine.

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