Note to Self (128) Criminal

“A lot of people ask me.. stupid fucking questions
A lot of people think that.. what I say on records
or what I talk about on a record, that I actually do in real life
or that I believe in it
Or if I say that, I wanna kill somebody, that..
I’m actually gonna do it
or that I believe in it
Well, shit.. if you believe that
then I’ll kill you
You know why?
Cause I’m a
CRIMINAL
CRIMINAL
You god damn right
I’m a CRIMINAL
Yeah, I’m a CRIMINAL”

I love to listen to Eminem when I’m pissed. Best anger therapy ever. Especially when I spent a weekend with somebody who I thought was a friend, but happens to be a really freaking huge a-hole.

Let me explain. I met Mr. X aka the A-hole on New Year’s Eve. Mr. X wasn’t from here. He lives in a far away land called XYZ and he doesn’t speak English very well, but he speaks it well enough to be able to come here and understand what’s being said to him. Anyway… we become friends, and only friends, and he says he’d come back to NY because he had such a great time here. Guess what I said in return? Of course you can come and you can stay with me!

BIG mistake. Three months later, Mr. X arrives in NY. First evening is alright although I start to feel a bit annoyed by his behavior. I don’t know whether he’s jetlagged, or cranky, or tired, or hungry, but the look painted on his face reminds me of somebody who’s eaten way too much Whitecastle and has to make a few runs to the bathroom.

Mr. X adopts a strange behavior. He thinks he’s my boyfriend – HAHAHAHAHA – and he starts holding my hand and stuff… Ok, I make sure nothing happens in my sleep – I’ve already been raped once, thank you very much, and I don’t wish for this to happen again! Things end up fine. I actually spent my night in the bathroom because I had food poisoning – and no it wasn’t Whitecastle. šŸ˜‰

The following day, I take Mr. X for a tour of the city. I’m pretty much his private tour guide and I talk a lot, which makes me very tired. Mr. X doesn’t say anything. Again, picture the Whitecastle situation look.

St Patrick’s day arrives! Yeepee!! Time for Mr. X to meet my best friends. I’m excited to feel Irish for one day. I hope he is too. From what I remember, Mr. X likes to drink!

BIG BIG BIG mistake once again. Mr. X doesn’t like St Patrick’s day and he ignores my friends. My friends in the meantime give me suspicious glances and even ask me where I found this dude. YEAH. If my girlfriends ask me where I found a dude, it means the dude is a NO NO. I knew that by now, but I wanted to be friendly and nice… I shouldn’t be friendly and nice.

The night ends, Mr. X gets cranky, and asks to go home. I give him the key to my place and I’m pissed. Now I’m ready to break his head in half. With an ax. And then I’m going to shoot him in the face that has been halved. And then I’m going to get a few more weapons and destroy his face and his stupid attitude.Ā Alas, there’s no weapon against stupidity…

His comment by the way when I asked him why he stayed so silent was: “I don’t talk to strangers and I’m bored.”

OUCH!

I thought I was a stranger when you met me three months ago. &*^%(!!!!!!!! INSERT CURSE WORDS HERE

So when I came home from a happy celebration, I naturally told him his behavior toward my friendsĀ had beenĀ super rude and he needed to apologize. To which he responded by packing his stuff and leaving.

Well I’m very glad that %^$&#(@)@)*#^@^@()@*@*)*@ INSERT CURSE WORDS HERE got the heck out of my place because he didn’t deserve any of my sweet loving friendship.

THEREFORE,

If you plan to be my friend and you’re a guy, please follow these instructions:

– Don’t break my trust

– Don’t think you’re better than who you truly are and

– Always be nice to my friends.

Good riddance Mr. X. I hope you’ll find a nice lady in your country who’ll like your stupid constipated face.

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