Note to Self (233) Turning Tables

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One step down the street, fast pace to a safe haven, I want home. My stride takes me to the room, where I find the seat I usually pick every time I go there. I come here when I don’t want to face the familiar crowd, when I want to remain sheltered in my own dimension, yet aware of what that dimension will do to me if I let loose in a moment of helplessness. I have come to find peace of mind. As I pick a chair, and listen carefully, I notice this man from the corner of my eye. He’s drunk. High. Wearing shades inside, stumbling and stomping, cursing under his breath. One part of me is afraid to watch what I know too well; the other part of me simply chooses to ignore. But I can’t. That man is sick. Blurred by his own insanity, thinking he can rummage through the peace and quiet of this room to make a point. Does he even know he’s drunk? Does he even know he’s lost?

The speaker keeps going, talking about his life. How can he stay so calm, while we all witness the distress of the drunken man?

The man brings me back to hell. To times where I thought I could make a point. Everything I’ve ever achieved was chaos. I lost my mind, wanted to end it all because I couldn’t cope with the pain anymore. This pain I can’t forget, can’t ignore, stays at bay and awaits to strike in a moment of weakness. I have to stay strong. Every day takes me away from that anguish. One drop of booze and I’m back to hell again.

Some member of the group decides to escort the drunken man out, because he’s being disruptive. I breathe of relief. Feeling it could have been me wearing the shades, drinking beer out of a Starbucks coffee cup, I pray in silence. No one knows what it feels like to ache unless he or she is one of us. The burning pain never dies. It sleeps at best. I feel like a watcher of the night, keeping myself safe from a possible relapse. My heart is light, yet heavy with memories of the bad old days. That scotch never tasted right. It only served one purpose: soothe my loneliness. In a world where I didn’t think I belonged, my mind took jumps that could have caused me to vanish forever.

I’m still here.

I turned my life around. I work every day to recognize the patterns that caused me to fail in the first place. Co-dependency, fear of loneliness, fear of living all together. I thought I needed someone else to survive. But how could I live without loving myself first?

Hate. Understanding. Acceptance. I’m in the process of learning about myself, and realize I have a good heart. That heart needs to be tamed though. I have the tendency to be too trusting, too obsessive, too impulsive. I must learn patience. Independence. Caution. Not everyone in this world is good. Not everyone in this world has my best interest at heart.

The drunken man reminded me of a puppet, not really in control of anything. I am not empty inside. Whatever comes, whatever goes, I must accept to surrender in order to go on my journey.

I’ve turned my tables and face the world with a bright mind. My success depends on my willfulness to remain on the path. As sad as I feel for this drunken man, I am relieved to know I’m not like him anymore.

And I will never be like him again.

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 27: Fight #KikiReynolds

Kiki ReynoldsWrite a comment

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 27:

Fight

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 26: Julie Jones #KikiReynolds

Kiki ReynoldsWrite a comment

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 26:

Julie Jones

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 25: Minion Quits #KikiReynolds

Kiki ReynoldsWrite a comment

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 25:

Minion Quits

To My Poodle – A poem #Doodle #Poodle #TheGizDizzler #Diddler #PoodleDoodle

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Once upon a time, in a far away land, lived a poodle.

This poodle was very special as it was a Poodle Doodle.

Poodle Doodle liked activities, but had no best poodle to share her fun with.

Until she met Poodle Uppercut.

Bound by an unbreakable poodle bond, Poodle Doodle and Poodle Uppercut became super poodles and traveled the world together. They shared stories, friends, poodles, and of course, activities.

One day, Poodle Uppercut had to leave Poodle Doodle because she had an important solo poodle mission to attend.

Poodle Doodle was very sad to see her Poodle Uppercut leave. She didn’t know what to do with herself. Crying lots of tears with her poodle eyes, she said: why do I feel so lonely without my Poodle?? I miss my Poodle! Poodle!!! Poodle!!!!

Poodle Doodle cried and cried, until Poodle Uppercut returned from her trip and comforted Poodle Doodle with a poodle hug.

“Aw! All this crying is affecting your poodle hotness! I know how to fix this. You wanna get poodle manicures?” Poodle Uppercut asked.

“Yes!! My doodle is back!!” Poodle Doodle answered, jumping up and down and wagging her tail like a happy poodle. “I never want to lose my poodle ever again!”

And so the two poodles went, bound by poodle love no one other than poodles can understand. Because to be a poodle, one must understand how a poodle soul works. And not everyone can understand a poodle soul.

But poodles are so fucking perfect, they always understand each other, and distance never breaks their frienship but makes their heart grow fonder.

And this, my friends, is a pretty awesome poodle poem tale.

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 24: Here and There #KikiReynolds

Kiki ReynoldsWrite a comment

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 24:

Here and There

Note to Self (232) Eyes

Note to Self1 Comment

One single glance and I understand you. Our brains connected, we can finally hold hands and face life without fear. I don’t doubt anymore. Only feel. 

Your voice soothes me. Your thoughts lead me where I always wanted to go. The darkness is long gone when I stare into your eyes, for all I see is peace and understanding. No judgment. No questions. As you touch my hand, I absorb your warmth and drift away. There’s no reason to be afraid. I know you’ll take care of me – the right way. You laugh and I laugh too. You smile and I watch you. Never thought I could become a stalker. You made me one today. 

I see beauty in you. Imperfections too. You manage to keep me focused, without trying too hard. It’s what you say that keeps me afloat. When all is so unpredictable, your voice reminds me to stay in the moment. 

I come with my baggage but it’s no burden to you. You accept it as experience, wisdom and learning. Your life is full of skeletons you’ve embraced long ago. You’ve accepted who you are. You and I enjoy being weird. Never will we try to be different. No mold can keep us in a straight line. You know how to live the right way though. 

When we kiss I forget all about the crippling pain. You took it away with your magic. Only one look from your eyes, and the pain morphed into bliss. Pick me up from the ground and hold me in your arms. Show me love.  

In your eyes I see the truth. You make me whole. You steal my breath only to give it back bigger. 

In your eyes I see the world. I see your soul.

I see myself. 

Meet Kiki Reynolds my alter ego – Episode 23: One Foot #KikiReynolds

Kiki ReynoldsWrite a comment

Freshly turned thirty years old, living in New York City, Kiki likes to tell her life adventures one day at a time. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, just the reminiscences of a girl whose spirit remains untamed, no matter what other people do to change that. Kiki’s proud to be a loner. Well, except when it’s Friday night and she’s downing scotch only to wake up six hours later with the worst hangover. Kiki should stay away from scotch. And mean girls. And guys who think like stray dogs. Um so much work to do… Kiki’s slowly learning how to be a lady in this world of sharks.

Episode 1:

Happy birthday Kiki.

Episode 23:

One foot