So here I am again. Dwelling on what I did right and what I did wrong.
Easy enough though. I never was a bad person. I’m a very nice chick actually. Always willing to help, always ready to be there and to give my trust. I don’t doubt anyone for their intentions, until I get stabbed in the back.
I had that problem in the past, already when I was a little girl. People would take advantage of me. They would abuse my kindness. I let them use me until I couldn’t take it anymore, and then I reacted with anger. They said I was a mean person. They said I was crazy.
But I’m not crazy. I react under extremely stressful situations. My anger is the outlet I use to let people know I have been hurt. I should react sooner, so I wouldn’t be so angry. My problem is that I absorb all the crap, let it cook for a while, and then explode.
I’m not perfect. No one is. I can’t tolerate hypocrites. I’m not good at playing games. When I got something to say, I say it.
The girlfriend who came to discuss the argument we had made the first step to fix a relationship that broke for a reason. She hurt me. I got angry, and I slipped by punching her in the face. Months and months and crap had accumulated, little things she did and said that pissed me off, but I remained silent because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Well look where it got me. I lost control and I became the bitch.
Same with my marriage. I got hurt, reacted with anger, and then got called crazy by my ex. No one can call me crazy. Especially not the people who break my trust over and over again.
I cried for nights and days, wondering if I really was the terrible person these people said I was. But then I prayed. I asked God to send me a sign. Let me know I was still on the right path.
And God showed me I wasn’t a terrible human being. I’m just too nice. Too sensitive. I get hurt and don’t want to tell anyone because I refuse to be a selfish brat, always focused on my suffering, but not caring about the rest of the world.
I won’t change who I am. I have to stay true to myself to be happy. So maybe I’ll lose more people who thought they could use me, but at least, I won’t forget what I’m made of.
Fuck the haters.