This post is a sequel to my early post Break-Up, available here: https://themanicheans.wordpress.com/2012/08/27/note-to-self-159-break-up/
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Friendships. Relationships. I see friends as lovers except they don’t share sex. Everything else is there though: trust, loyalty, respect. Without those, no friendship can exist.
I had many friends. But the really good ones? Barely a few. Especially the best ones. I remember the girls who loved me so much they’d jump off a bridge for me. And the next day, they despised my guts.
I’d say or do something they didn’t like, and here we went on the roller coaster of patching things up for one hour, one week, one month. The same patterns repeated as soon as I thought things were fine. Like a bad movie, drama filled up my life since a toddler.
So how much should I invest in a friendship? A few days ago, I wrote about losing a very good friend of three years. Many people asked me to make the first step and improve things between her and me. Sure I’m dealing with a lot of personal issues. I carry as much blame as my friend for starting a fight and throwing away years of happy memories.
But in cases like this one, the main question of how much is too much comes to mind. How much disrespect can I tolerate until it’s too late? How much time should I spend crying, screaming, arguing, trying to find a solution the other side will accept then toss away because they are drama queens and can’t get over their selfish ego?
My divorce was the same too. I worked hard at salvaging a relationship that didn’t grow in a healthy way. I suffered the consequences of being too kind, too trustworthy, too loving. I got trampled to the ground until nothing was left of me. And in the end? I had to move on.
Disrespect. The trigger of my dark side. The part of me I don’t want to unleash because I know the damage will be inevitable. Peace and quiet – that’s all I’m asking for. I don’t like to dwell on anger. I don’t feed on pain. Despite all my problems, I am a happy person. I love life. I love myself. Never would I want to hurt anyone.
But like an animal, once attacked by the one I love the most, I bite.
I’ve been subject to abuse in many forms. Verbal, physical, psychological. Confrontation won’t last long, because I’m going to show my dark side, and my dark side always takes the best of me. Compassion, love, and understanding disappear to be replaced by a cold and rational state of mind. I perceive drama as an infected limb that must be severed.
And I don’t care how many years I spent with the person. The break-up will always happen. Why take half measures and not go anywhere? I know the relationship I had with this friend won’t ever be the same after what happened between us. No forgiveness can repair the harm done. It’s too deep.
So I have to move on. That chapter is closed.
For now at least.
The Manicheans 
I have been really enjoying reading your notes. Sounds like you have a ton of anger and she happened to be there too catch the grunt of it. I think you need to look at yourself and ask why have you had so many breakups this year. You have many blog posts that you have written this year with this same theme. It is a two way street and you are blaming others for your own “dark side” coming out. You need to learn how to control your anger. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy reading your blogs, but I think you are in a really bad place right now. I don’t understand how you can compare a friendship to a marriage? I think you need to bare responsibility as well, friendships work both ways.
I agree with you. Friendship work both ways. And yes, I’m angry. I have anger in me. It’s part of who I am as a person. I don’t unleash my anger unnecessarily though. I don’t have an anger problem. I’m actually a very quiet person on a day to day basis. And sometimes, when I get pissed, I’m gonna show my anger but it never goes beyond cursing.
There are triggers who will make me unleash my dark side. And these triggers come when I care about people. If I give my love to someone, and that someone does everything to hurt me, I get to my dark place. It’s exactly what happened w my friend. She was mad, she needed to say stupid angry things at someone and I was that someone. She said things that hurt me beyond belief. And when you’re drunk and you hear such things being thrown at you, you can’t really think clearly.
I’m sorry our relationship died because of a guy. Because of her being upset over someone who didn’t show her what she expected of him. I tried to tell her to drop the dude, to just enjoy herself, but she drank, and became Mr. Hyde. It wasn’t the first time. And every time she drinks, she becomes Mr. Hyde, and she gets mad if I don’t agree with her.
Love goes a long way, but love stops being love when disrespect becomes routine. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t want to argue, and yell. So I withdrew myself. I can’t take the drama. I can’t take the abuse. I’d rather be alone than deal with more anger. Because when I’m by myself, I’m not angry.
And thanks for your support. But I’m not in a bad place. I’m actually reaching my prime right now. The best time of my life where everything I dreamed of will finally happen. Relationships never made me whole. My life and my projects did. That’s what I know best since I was a kid. 🙂
Sorry but I have to agree with Stephanie. I read an article once that said something like only 25% of how we see ourselves matches the way others see us. I hope you have some remaining friends who might be able to talk with you about this in a way that doesn’t cause you to push them away. I would hate to think of you as friendless!
Hi there!! Thanks for the comment. I agree with you and Stephanie. My dark side is something I cannot ignore. I’ve been dealing with it for a while. It’s something that makes me whole, and it’s something that also caused a lot of drama in my life.
I’m comparing my friendship to my marriage because it felt exactly like my marriage. I’m not saying a friendship should feel like a marriage, but from my perspective, they did.
Anyway, the biggest problem was not my anger, but the anger from my friend. She’s the same as me, great person but when her dark side comes out, it’s scary. And she scared me. I saw myself in her. I unleashed my worst emotions at other people because of her. We argued. We exchanged words I never thought could be possible between two people who truly care about each other. The respect was gone.
I carry the blame for what I did. I don’t regret what I did, but I certainly accept responsibility for it. I’m not friendless. I have people in my life.
I’m the solitary type. I love having friends, but I need my space. Anyway, thanks for your comments. I’m not ignoring them. The anger I feel, I work on it in a positive way in my writing. That’s how I make amends for all the darkness inside me. 🙂