Note to Self (216) Crossroads

It’s all in the making of a thought. I don’t give it much power, but as the thought grows, it builds a personality of its own like a monster hiding under my bed. Soon enough, the thought is bigger than me, and controls everything I do. I don’t own the ability to stop the process. Arson starts with the smallest flame. Yet I know I can get control back if I get rid of the negativity and focus on something good. Something lively. Something timeless. Not a memory. A present moment. The criss-crossed lines of clouds in the sky. A puddle in the crack of the sidewalk. A flower. A squirrel climbing up a tree.

Then the horn of a cab makes my eardrums bleed and I curse again. Why must you break my peaceful meditation? Why don’t you respect my private space?

Resentments build up. Stronger. I hold onto my anger like the holy grail, and all I want to do is cause destruction. Because that’s all I know best. Because I like to linger in my own pain. My sense of perception is flawed. I believe I know everything there’s to know about everything, but I live a lie. My mind confuses me. My heart beats at an uneven rhythm. The melody I hear is ruckus to someone else. I’m lost in my crazed universe.

I cross the street and watch people move like robots, their eyes unfocused, their minds lost in their own turmoil. We’re all human. All sensitive. All so fragile. We can go in the blink of an eye. Who will miss me if I go? The only ones who remember me. The only ones who care about me. The only ones I helped by staying true to myself.

I bring a light that shines into this world, and as small as it can be, it’s my treasure. I can whine, complain, think the worst about myself, but at the end of the day, I will make another being smile. My role is to provide joy. My purpose is to keep working on being good. The right and the wrong don’t make much sense to me, since my perception is so flawed. Yet I persevere. I’m connected to everyone else, even when I’m all alone.

At the fork on the road, I must make my decision. One drink will take me back to hell. One positive action will take me down the path to recovery.

I feel sad for those who feel sad. I feel happy for those who feel happy. I cannot be selfish anymore. My own destruction will happen if I let this thought take over. Like a lion asleep in its cage, I can bite. But tonight, I choose to rest.

Tomorrow the battle continues. The battle never ends but in complete surrender.

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