Note to Self (213) Penance

I’ve come to this. The spider in my brain is pushing me to the edge, and I need a way out. I can’t drink. I can’t use. I’m angry. Tired. All the frustration I kept bottled up for months is oozing back like pus to the surface, and I find it disgusting. If there was a way for me to hide in a hole until the storm passes, please let me know where to run. But I have to face my emotions. Black Label can’t help me anymore.

Too many hospital bills to pay. They keep coming like gangrene. I spend hours at work, increasing my hours so I can keep up with all the expenses that have accumulated over the past few weeks. I’m better off alive and broke than dead and rich, right? Not that I was particularly wealthy to begin with. Life’s so unfair. Life’s so complicated. The spider in my brain keeps telling me I was born with a curse. My disease is not a blessing, I’m doomed to fail. I’m doomed to repeat the same mistakes, over and over again, while expecting different results. Insanity. I have become insane.

Prayers are soothing. But the rage building up inside my soul wants out. When I think I got everything under control, the spider slowly crawls and sends me back to a place I hate. All the memories, the bad feelings, the confrontational behavior, the hatred toward the world and mostly, toward myself, I hate it all. Yet, I can’t heal in one day. I’m so close to grabbing a drink, thinking the alcohol will be my solution. But the alcohol never caused anything but trouble.

I can’t repeat the same mistakes. I must strive and keep faith in myself. No one told me the journey would be easy. I want to stay in control, yet know I must surrender to a higher power. This is my only chance at survival. God if you can hear me, please forgive me. Please allow me to learn how to be a better person, how to love and be loved, without pain. Please guide me toward peace. Please show me the light of hope. Please help me when I’m in need. Please protect me from my foes, the known and the unknown, and guide them toward peace too. Please bring me joy, and satisfaction in any little thing I do. Please help me not to become a judgmental bitch. Please help me understand others. Please release me from the bondage of self-hatred and self-pity.

I’m strong enough, and I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel myself again. Because God will take care of me.

Amen.