There’s a spider in my brain. It eats and crawls through all the cells and drives me completely insane. I hate spiders. How did this one get stuck in there? Maybe it was always there, and I never took a close look at it because I was too busy throwing a pity party for myself. Ugh. Make this ruckus stop! I need to stop getting mad and focus on the positive. Great day today. This bitch on the parking lot was in the way and got angry because I told her to move her big fat SUV. Road rage is the worst. Then a Smart car drives down the road as I cross the street and it makes me think of a box on wheels, not really cute, not really manly looking, just a plain box on wheels that would tip over when the wind blows too hard. And the worst is when people think they’re so smart because they own a Smart car, and park it vertically instead of horizontally, because they think they’re saving space, but how do they open the doors?? No wonder it’s impossible to keep a car free of dents in this town.
The spider is talking to me and all the voices in my head tell me to follow my instincts, but I tell them to shut up because my instincts suck right now. Like I want to go on a date, but I can’t because I’m gonna mess it all up and afterwards will end up crying on my pillow-pet and wonder why my life is so miserable. Dating is so hard. It’d be easier if I didn’t have this spider in my brain though. The spider whispers strange things to me. Like it’s okay to go out and party. And drink a lot. Shush spider, I’m trying to be reasonable and take control of my life!
The world doesn’t look interesting through a pair of regular glasses. I need my broken fishbowl lens to see things the way they truly are. So complicated. I can’t get mad without wanting to choke a bitch and I can’t get happy without wanting to jump up and down like a five-year old! My filters are gone. My feelings are so raw, and they hurt, and they scream, and the spider doesn’t leave me alone! Go away, dammit!
Breathe. One, two, three. I’d like me some chocolate. Ummm. Hungry. Let’s make dinner. The spider stops talking when her mouth is full.
And next time I see this guy at work who keeps bugging me to double-check his work because he doesn’t know what he’s doing, I’m gonna kindly tell him to back off. And I’m putting the effort on kindly. I swear, not getting mad these days is an awful lot of work.