I have a friend who’s older than me. He often gets depressed because he says his life serves no purpose. He goes to work, lives alone, and parties with his friends every weekend. Binge drinks. Forgets reality for a few hours before starting a new cycle and getting depressed again.
I keep saying we all have a purpose. But tonight I feel like my life is just a big failure too. My family’s too far away. So is my best friend. The rest of the people here – I care for them but I’m so lonely. After my fight with my former good friend, I got no one here. I celebrated the holidays alone, getting drunk, crying in my pillow I wanted the holidays to just go away and never come back.
I had a dream. I spent money on a masters of law to become a freaking office bitch. My aspirations stopped short when interview after interview I heard the same speech. So I compromised and took the fat paycheck because I felt guilty to be unemployed. My ex used to tell me to switch jobs, become more than what I was, so I could earn more and he could stop working. Just the tip of the bullshit iceberg.
My dream got crushed into a million pieces. I lost an awful marriage. Now I look at couples on the street and feel like shit. I want kids. Can’t raise any in this environment. Where’s the house, the pick up truck and the dog? Nowhere to be found. I shlep my ass to work, survive solely on writing. I got nothing else.
I’m not complaining. I know there are people worse than me out there. What saddens me is that I am thirty and I’ve accomplished nothing. I wasted years studying law and I’m no law lover. I listened to my father, too afraid of disappointing him. My dream was my escape. And now? I’m stuck.
My friend has a lot most people don’t have. He should be happy. But he’s not. I guess the grass is always greener. I just feel way too lonely for my own good. I hate this empty town. I hate these heartless people. I just want to disappear without a tear, without a trace, as if I had never existed.
My dream was a lie. I realized that tonight. And it breaks my heart.