Note to Self (121) Cry For Help

I remember when I was married and I got into a fight with my ex. I cried all night and the next morning I looked like crap, but I still put on some make up and I went to work. I didn’t talk about my sleepless night to anybody. My heart felt heavy but I still joked around with my colleagues. From outside, you’d have thought I was the happiest chick in the world.

I lived a lie. I pretended everything was fine when it wasn’t. I came home and I feared another fight would break out. It felt awful to pretend. It felt awful to keep everything to myself. I cried so much I didn’t know how to feel better. I was on the phone every day with mum and dad, trying to hang in there. I resisted until I couldn’t take the abuse anymore. The anger, the fighting, the violence. I had to go, but I wasn’t sure how.

I came home one day and I found my ex locked in the bedroom so I moved to the living room. I slept on the couch and I prayed. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t really sleep. I mostly thought a lot. I imagined what my life would be like without him. I felt alone. I felt empty. I waited for things to improve. I still tried to talk to him but he refused to speak to me. He called me names. He treated me like I was worse than garbage. I stayed strong and I waited. And that’s when I saw it. There was a deep cut through my pillow. I could put my finger in the hole and go all the way to the other side. I immediately knew what he had done. I entered the bedroom and I grabbed his switchblade. Then I examined the bed, and found the same cut into the mattress, right on the side where I used to sleep and my head used to rest.

After that incident, I packed my suitcase and I left to stay with my girlfriend. I never came back.

I don’t know why I’m thinking about this now. I slept on my friend’s couch for one solid month, meanwhile I found an apartment in the same building as her and we became neighbors. And then everything started for me. My depression, my journey into writing, my unfortunate encounter with a co-worker who thought he could get in my pants because he witnessed my misery and wanted to be a friend. He actually managed to rape me after he got me so drunk I blacked out. I never filed charges against him, but I raised the matter with HR. I had no evidence and I didn’t want to start a lawsuit – another one besides my divorce. I drank a lot. I cried even more. I thought I had entered another hell by living by myself. I didn’t know how to do things alone anymore. I adopted cats to help me stay sane. I didn’t go see a shrink and I started writing instead. I poured my heart out, I told the world how sad I felt and the world listened. People helped me. People supported me. I was loved again. I was whole again.

My mood is shot. I’m reminiscing about the past. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to this party to celebrate the wedding of a friend. My mood is always shot when I think of weddings. The scar of my divorce is something that will fade, but it will never completely go away. I loved my husband. I really did. I haven’t loved someone so deeply before. But it’s alright. It was meant to be in a way. I accept the fact we weren’t supposed to be together. I accept the fact I’m destined for something much greater.

I’ll be fine in the end. I don’t enjoy being surrounded by negativity because it always brings me back to my failed relationship. I think I was surrounded by too much of that negativity today. But it’s ok. Writing always cures my cry for help.

I feel better now. See. I just needed to write.


Add Yours
  1. James Garcia Jr.

    As a member of that gender, I’d like to apologize on behalf of all of those shits (did he really just write that?) who scarred you or generally made life rough for you.
    Have a great weekend, my friend.

  2. Rob Adams

    Your honesty is one of the things I love about you.

    Your experiences are going to be part of you forever, but you get to decide how those parts fit into who you become. I read the above and think, “Wow, I’m so glad she’s out of that and moving to higher ground!”

    Every negative has its positives. And it’s good to remember how bad they were, as long as you don’t forget the better places they’ve driven you to.

    Or, you can just append those memories with the phrase, “never again.”

    • themanicheans

      I totally agree with you and I must say, I accept the negatives because they made me stronger and wiser, and happier. I appreciate every day and thank God for giving me the gift of writing, I’m grateful for my family and friends and all the awesome authors I met on my journey to “authorhood”. It feels good to feel good. LOL And I feel good. I sometimes need to reminisce about the past so I don’t forget how far I’ve come, and how much further I’ll go. Thanks. 🙂

  3. Bianca

    Thank you so much for sharing. You cant know how hopeful it makes me feel. I am in your shoes right now but add 2 teenage sick kids. I am in same aweful situation & have to pretend its all fine. One day at a time. You were brave enough to leave..i want the break too. Just thank you xxx

  4. Red Tash

    Beautiful lady,

    You are not alone. I have been through many of these same experiences, and Lord help me, I didn’t handle them very gracefully. If my life were a car, I’d have considered it totaled a number of times.

    When I was in my mid-20s, following my first divorce, I lay in the middle of my living room surrounded by candles and just prayed. God, if you intend someone to be in my life, please, just send him, because I am so broken and so miserable and I know I’m not meant to live alone. I had this dream of a long, happy marriage, of never having been divorced, of being a better parent than my parents had been, etc., etc. Honestly, I held onto that dream so tightly that I probably stayed in my second marriage too long. It was an abusive marriage, and although I would never undo my beautiful kids, I deserved better that what I had, in terms of love and security and partnership. I tried to carry that situation like a Proverbs 31 woman. I was in and out of the women’s shelter. I was also humiliated, over and over again.

    With a lot of pain and regret, I finally let go of that situation. I thought I was walking away from the love of my life, I thought I was giving up on him–but for my own sanity and for my kids, I had to do it.

    A couple of years later, I realized my best friend was really a better partner for me, and we have been so happy ever since. My ex seems like a much happier person, too. God knows the kids are.

    It was not the life I wanted, per se, but now that I have it, I love it.

    If I’d given up on my happiness way back when, two strikes and I’m out…? Geez, I’d hate to think how lonely I’d be now. I know you’re not writing this because you’re giving up or anything like that. You’re too much of a fighter for that.

    I’m just saying…I feel ya, girl. I’ve had that depression, I’ve survived it, I, too, have learned from it all. God doesn’t put a dream of love in your heart and not deliver. It sometimes just takes some time. And if it had not been for all that suffering, I don’t think I’d appreciate Mr. Tash nearly as much.

    Love ya, beautiful!

    • themanicheans

      There are no words to describe how much I respect you as an author and as a person. I’m very honored you took the time to write such a long reply to my cry for help and in return, I can only say thank you to your words and give you a big hug!!!


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