I’m not sure whether my separation and divorce made my heart thicker or more sensitive to sudden infatuations; moments of the day where I lose my mind over a guy I saw two minutes earlier on my way to work and I’ll never spot again. Our eyes met for a split second and my dreams awoke like a storm. I imagined him smiling at me, grabbing the side of my face and giving me a wonderful passionate kiss.
It happens to me all the time. I watch a movie and I obsess over a character, fall in love with his sensitivity and his lack of touch with reality because I know nothing of what I picture about him is real. My creative mind unfolds in twisted ways pushing me to project all the love I miss onto everything I observe. I don’t try to understand human nature anymore, and instead I search what I desire in every soul that crosses my path. It’s a dangerous game and I’m fully aware of its consequences. My heart has become mush; I long to hold a body against mine and share my darkest thoughts with a kindred spirit who’ll love me for the crazy person that I am.
My picture crushes invade my every day routine and I keep them displayed on my computer screen so I can look at them and feel whole again. They’re the fuel to my insanity and the cure to my loneliness. I stare at them like I used to when I was thirteen. The romantic in me never died and I think it actually became stronger. I never gave up on love, despite the disappointments and the lies, and I don’t fear to be in love again. I feel it’s the right thing for me, because a new love will give me heartache after all, and will help me stay the tortured soul I was born to be.
I can’t settle for simple. I can’t compromise for plain. I need another picture crush every minute I breathe, until the picture becomes real and gives me the love I so desperately crave.
I can read your eyes and see the pain you hide. From the first glance I knew I loved you…. You’ll remain a stranger in two dimensions, far away from my reach, and you’ll soon disappear to be replaced with another face. Thank you for coming into my life and simply making me feel human again.
The Manicheans 