Note to Self (83) I should say thank you

I haven’t really blogged in a long time.

A few days are a long time. I needed to take a break to reflect on the journey I’ve made, and how far I’ve come. I exited the gates of hell, and now where am I?

I can’t define the place where I live as heaven. It feels temporary. A safe harbor to shelter me until I’ll find a better spot to move on to. I like the idea of change, because it keeps me from stalling. Life’s supposed to be a succession of different stops until the final destination: death. So I enjoy it while I can. I sometimes wonder where to go next, impatient to leave the state of monotony I’ve reached. I dislike the routine I forced myself to accept, and I ask: what’s normality in a world where everything’s exceptional?

I’ve always been too quick, and I never took the time to appreciate the opportunity given to me.

So let me pause and look around, to make sure I didn’t miss anything important.

A few months ago, I started a new chapter in my existence. I shyly opened the book, and turned to a blank page, because I couldn’t stick with the past anymore. I left everything behind, and I closed the door. It tortured me to feel a part of me dying, but I had to go through that experience to grow stronger. I hated myself for a while. I searched for answers, trying to understand the changes that occurred inside me.

I thought I had become somebody else.

A hand grabbed me, and pulled me to the other side. I didn’t fret. I let this happen to me, and I observed everything.

I witnessed this young woman seeking the truth in a swamp of lies. She was distraught, and very sad. She cried a lot, harmed herself, and begged for salvation.

Nothing seemed to change.

She escaped by drinking, and losing herself in the arms of her friends, wanting to forget the hurt she felt from the love she thought she had.

This young woman promised to give so much to those around her. Yet, nobody listened.

They all ignored, pushing her to a corner where she secluded herself to cry some more. The unbearable pain lingered and waited to consume her completely, until she became almost insane.

The answers that she looked for never came. She drowned in a pool created by her own sorrow. When she had to breathe again, she almost forgot how to push her head from under the water.

I whispered a few words and looked into my eyes, reminding myself of all the dreams I had.

I couldn’t give up so soon. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

So I left. I packed my bags and I swallowed my pride. There was so much I wanted to say.

I remained silent.

I started the journey not knowing where to go, only trusting my instincts. I kept moving forward, toward the light, the heavy weight of pain slowly disappearing off my shoulders.

I didn’t hope for things to improve.

I worked to transform my life, and I wrote. I faced many obstacles along the way, including horrible traumas that happened because I was too vulnerable to react intelligently. The drinking had to stop so I could finally look at myself and see who hid behind the wall of tears.

I had stayed exactly the same.

Despite all the hurt that an evil force threw into my face, I stood up and I fought. It would have been easy to surrender to hatred.

I resisted.

Yes, I know pain. Yes, I know misery. These exits showed up many times on my highway. Did I take them? Yes, I did. Did I follow them? No. I turned around and I drove back to the main road until I found a better way out.

I never believed in God when I was a child. I had no incentive to. I also didn’t understand what God would bring me that I didn’t already have.

Well… now I understand.

The journey’s supposed to be difficult. I want no redemption, nor forgiveness for the sins I committed. They’re part of the adult I grew up to be.

What I want is a time for prayer.

I’d like to thank all the souls that guided me toward a better life. Family, friends, strangers who gave me their support.

I look forward to sharing more with you since it’s the minimum I can do. It didn’t take much for me to realize that I had come to an important stop along the road. When I glanced around, I saw all of you welcoming me with open arms.

It felt great. Almost like heaven.

I know that love’s stronger than pain. I know that a smile can defeat a heartache. I know that we’ll all meet again, maybe here, maybe in another world very far away.

This is only the beginning of a wonderful adventure, and I’m ready for this.

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