Happiness is all in the tail swing.
Believe me when I say that, because it’s true. See, I was a cow in a previous life. Don’t laugh. Cows are great animals. They have four stomachs and they eat grass all day. They stand outside, even when it rains, and they don’t care if their fur gets wet. They look very trendy, with their white and black coats that never go out of style. Plus, they feed millions. Milk, cheese, yogurt… I’m telling you, being a cow is awesome.
Now what is the best part of being a cow? The tail swing of course! Are you seriously laughing again? Listen, here’s the deal.
Imagine you’re a cow. Well it’s not that hard to imagine. Just wear a cow suit. Exactly. It’s Halloween. Nobody will question your sanity on Halloween. Bear with me. So here you are, in your cow suit, feeling like a cow (of course you ARE a cow), and then you suddenly hear that music coming from somewhere in the background. Don’t question it, just listen to it.
Boom boom boom, the beat overcomes you and your behind starts shaking as you dance on the groove of this melody that you recognize instantly. The rhythm takes control of your hips while you’re doing some small circles with your arms just to look coordinated, and then, you work your asset: your tail. No, I’m serious. A good tail swing will take you very far, I swear to you. Yes, I have first hand experience. Back to practice.
So here you are, working the dancefloor like a pro (cameras are on, maybe you will achieve posterity as a cow by being put on youtube); now comes the best part: the solo of your tail swinging to the chorus of this memorable song by Queen, We will rock you. Oh you know you want it! “We will, we will, rock you, boom, boom, We will, we will, rock you, boom, boom”. You can’t help yourself now, can you? I knew it. And here it goes, your crazy tail is swinging, moving up, moving down, to the left and to the right, as you quickly and surely become the star of the party.
To be a bit more original, I may suggest complementing the look of the cow suit by adding a cowboy hat, and a guitar, maybe boots too, but I leave that up to you. It might be a bit too much on the style side. Oh, and last but not least, dip some tobacco, and spit every two minutes just to look funnier. You don’t trust me?
Listen, if somebody really makes a nasty comment, just tell them that cows are revered in India. Here. Problem settled.
Then watch Steamboat Willie by Walt Disney.
If after that you don’t want to be a cow, then I don’t know what’s wrong with you.