Note to Self (74) I just need to write and I’ll feel better

I’m feeling sad tonight. I’ve been feeling sad all week actually. It’s hard to explain why I get to such low moments like that, especially when there’s nothing wrong with me. Everything’s going fine in my life. But I still ache. My mind cannot stop thinking of all the things I’d like to say to be at peace but I just keep emptying myself to be filled up with more sorrow to deal with.

What’s up with me? I thought I was strong. I convinced myself it would be nothing, yet this is the hardest experience I had to go through. All the stress, all the pressure, everything is slowly deflating like a big balloon of anger, leaving me with nothing but tears, and words.

So I write. I put it out there for the world to read, and understand my pain. Will it make me feel better? Yes. I need to talk in order to heal. Will it make me happier? I don’t know.

I’m so lost right now. I’m falling down a cliff and I see no bottom. The air doesn’t even support me, and as I keep moving down, I see the world above laughing at me. I hear them say “Oh how tough she think she was! Now look at her!” and their grins haunt my dreams for days onward.

I’m reaching a system overload. All the crap I had to go through, and it didn’t stop after I left, it kept coming at me like a wave of filth, wanting to just push me down until I drowned.

I can’t even reread my words because they hurt too much. I don’t know what to do. I’m crying like stupid and I don’t know how to let it all go.

I’m totally depressed. I feel dirty and weak. I feel little and insignificant. I feel used. I feel abused. I feel so tired of fighting against the ghosts of my past. Tonight I feel like a part of me is dying, and it hurts like hell.

I want to find peace. I just want to be left alone. God please help me… Give me the strength to go on without struggle, without fear and misery. Keep me smart and grounded, make me laugh and shine, and give me love. I promise I’ll be a good girl from now on.

That thought made me smile. Thank you.

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