Note to Self (70) All the things I have to say to you

I didn’t sleep because of this. You were in my thoughts every minute of every hour I spent tossing and turning, desperately trying to find peace in my dreams. You gave me no escape. I felt scared, trapped in your web, unable to move nor to scream how much I wanted out. You forced me down a path I never thought existed.

These words are to you, all of you, who claimed to have taken me out of my shell and opened my eyes to new realities. You played a game while ignoring the rules. You believed you wanted me no harm, but you still hurt me. My fears of seeing you again are growing steadily.

I’m no devil, just an angel with a lot of vices. I know what I’ve done. I don’t regret anything but maybe the fact that I acted too nice, too friendly, and you misunderstood my kindness as a sign of weakness. I never was into you, and never will. Please leave me be. How can you create such fantasies about me while I’m talking to you? I never meant to make you think that way of me. I never meant to make you forget that you had a woman waiting for you at home. I bear the guilt of wanting to be friends, and only friends, but you simply took it too far.

I cannot tolerate this pain anymore. My heart wants to shout in your face how much I despise you for abusing me like you did. I said no and you went ahead with your plans anyway, completely disregarding my refusal to join you in your indecent proposal. You violated my trust. You shredded it to pieces and spat on it like an angry bandit.

I’m so hurt I feel like I’m nothing. I have to ignore you now. This is the only way for me to survive.

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