Foreword:
I’d like to thank my mum and dad for giving birth to me, because you truly did an awesome job, guys. I’d like to thank the United States for allowing me to live my dream. I’d like to thank God for inventing the holy game of baseball, and last but not least, I’d like to thank my followers for “pressuring” me into writing a second post about “bases” just because they loved the one about French kissing so much. For all these reasons, I’ll work my butt off to deliver the best post in the history of posts, without any graphic violence or adult scenes that would ultimately require an “R” rating. I’ll keep you entertained and will make you laugh, hopefully. After all these months of writing very personal stuff, I’m opening my soul to you and will reveal my darkest secrets. Everything that you’ll read is based on movies I watched, books I read, friends I talked with and mostly, my experiences. Please don’t judge me. God bless. Now let’s begin, shall we?
Dating. Love. Falling in love and wishing for the best to come, this is what we all live for, folks. We can’t avoid it. It’s in our faces every day of our lives, as we have been programmed by Mother Nature to thoroughly follow every step, and it’s very difficult to opt out.
Everything starts with a field and players. Each of them occupies a specific position, and abides by specific rules. You’re playing offense, and you stand by the home plate. Bat in hand, you’re waiting for the ball to come your way. You hit it well in your strike zone, you go for a run (and if you hit really really well, you score a homerun). You miss and get a foul, you get to try again. If the other team catches your ball before it touches the ground, you’re out. If you get three strikes against you, you’re out. Bear in mind that the defense team will do anything to kick you out of the field, so stay sharp. Any mistake will cost you time and energy.
Alright now that you’re aware of the ground rules (I’ve omitted a few additional technicalities, such as stealing bases, so that non baseball connoisseurs could follow too), let’s talk business.
As the batter, your goal is simple: you want to score. How can you score effectively without ruining your chances of becoming the greatest player of all times? Practice. Learn how to watch the defense throwing you balls like bullets, aimed right at your face, curved, fast, soft…. You need to quickly assess the situation and get your gear ready if you want to hit that baby. So keep looking. Pay attention to the pitcher’s moves, the way his arm swings, and focus on the moment where the ball leaves his hand. Now breathe…. And count down the seconds until the ball flies within your reach… Ready? Now hit!
If you’re successful, you get to run to first base. Let’s take it one step at a time here. I know you know you can also score a homerun during the first try, but let’s discuss the scenario base by base first, shall we? You’re not Derek Jeter yet (sorry guys, Yankees’ fan).
Now, you manage to reach first base. It feels beautiful, and tastes delicious. The girl is totally into you and you’re twitching to get more because kissing for you is like an appetizer. The whole meal is still miles ahead, and you’re starving. But like we said yesterday, if you take it slow and let the girl lead you in her game, you know you’ll get to your final destination sooner or later. So please be patient.
After first base comes second base. Aha. Yep. Let’s talk dirt here. You will probably not run to second base on the same night, but who knows, maybe the girl is really cool and lets you go that far down the field, so take the opportunity. Reaching second base can, however, be tricky. Lots of obstacles can be put in your way, such as intricate pieces of clothing, and you can’t really do that in public unless you’re on a deserted beach somewhere, therefore, you’ll have to play it by ear. If she takes you back home, well you sorta know the deal is sealed. If you stay out, ummm, maybe you can try to sneak in there but who knows how far you’ll go. Girls can be nasty at pretending they want you to go to second base, and make you run out of breath, trying to grab onto that freaking base but you get outed first. Yes, I know, this defense team is really devious.
Getting to second base is fun though. It’s like an adventure down a waterpark slide. It’s exciting and crazy, you scream because you can’t take all that water in your face anymore, but when you finally ride all the way to the bottom, you want more. It’s very addictive. The offense team loves to run to second base because it brings you closer to your goal: scoring a homerun. My advice would be to be gentle, smooth, fast but smart, very smart. Don’t go there like you would wrestle; stay aware of what you’re doing. Girls like gentle. They don’t like rough. Well…. We’ll get to that later.
So here you are, you successfully reached second base and you’re drooling to go down to third base now. It’s so enticing, you see it from afar and you know you want it bad. It needs to happen or your team will hate you forever. You’re ready to go for that run. Now you watch your batter hit that ball from the corner of your eye and you see that it’s going to touch the ground, or it’s flying too far to ever be caught, and you seize that precious moment. You start running, ideas rushing through your mind at 100 mph, sweaty, leg muscles tired, but you know you can do this, so you go for it with your heart and soul…. And you’re there. You made it. Congratulations, now the hard part comes.
Like for first base, reaching third base requires a lot of skills and discipline. You can’t go down there as if you were driving a snow plow. Gentle again. And yes, it’s difficult to please a girl, so don’t give up. These things take time. Think of the whole process as touching a delicate piece of China porcelain. You wouldn’t want to break it, would you? It’s really fragile and really expensive. If you hold it right, you will be amazed at what that China porcelain will do to you. If you handle it wrong, it will break in million pieces and you will run away for your life. Third base is the most difficult and sensitive area on the field. You don’t want to rush there because you could still be outed at any second, yet you want to make sure you go there quickly enough so that your prey doesn’t lose her interest. You’re the hero of the game here, so stay in control. A good player knows when the time is right. A bad player just screws around and gets kicked out. Stay on the lookout, and pay attention to any hints she will throw at you. She doesn’t need to speak to let you know you can go to third base. Her breathing can be the only clue. Be smart about this, I won’t repeat that enough. And gentle. Slow, take your time, appreciate the scenery, enjoy the crowd cheering for you, as if it was the game of a lifetime.
Now… you successfully made it to third base. There’s still the possibility that you will get outed before reaching the home plate, so be careful. Roughness in your game will definitely be a down factor. Play it smooth… Watch her move, listen to what she’s saying (she must be making noises by now), and wait for the perfect opportunity to run to that last base.
Scoring a homerun will usually be pretty self-explanatory. There’s nothing complicated about it, and everybody has their style, so for that one, I can’t say more about it. Once you know you scored, you’re pretty much well off. Your team loves you, you love your team, you’re a hero and you feel great.
Your prey will maybe love the way you score homeruns, maybe she won’t. It’s very subjective at that point. Some like it rough, some like it gentle (wait you’re gonna tell me that I said be gentle all along, and now I say some like it rough….). Yes, you need to be gentle 90% of the time, but 10% of the time, you can be rough. If she’s ok with it, go for it, buddy. Don’t wait for my permission to tell you it’s ok to do it. Play it by ear once again.
I’d like, however, to give a very serious piece of advice for all players out there:
I know you’re excited to score, but if you rush too hard, you’ll lose any chance of scoring at all. Follow what the girl tells you. Listen to her when she says something. If she says no, even drunk, don’t do it. She’ll have horrible memories of it, and she’ll hate your guts forever. Seriously, drunken girls are very tough to handle, because you think she’s ok with you touching her, but she’s really not. A no is a no you guys. Don’t make it sound like it was a hidden yes. Or that she was confused. Nobody’s confused. I know that alcohol enhances everybody’s needs, but a simple flirt can transform itself very quickly into a tragic event. Nobody wants this, especially not her. You have maybe no idea what it feels like to be taken by somebody, and to be forced to do something you don’t want to do, but the best analogy I can give you is prison, alright? Picture several other guys wanting to grab you and play with you like a doll. Got it? Now back off if that’s what you planned to do tonight. A girl is sensitive. She’s offering herself to you, she trusts you to at least respect her dignity. If you take advantage of her, then you’re a loser, and I have no respect for you. I can’t stand guys who think they own you like a piece of meat. It’s not difficult to be nice. Lots of girls will appreciate it, and will reward you with tons of goodies, so be a gentleman, ok?
I wish a lot of the guys I met had gotten such advice when I was younger, even later in my adult life. I missed many opportunities to enjoy whatever was happening to me, mainly because I was being treated so badly. You know, it’s one thing when you’re naïve and you don’t want to embarrass yourself, but it’s another when you clearly say no and nobody listens to you anyway. I understand why so many girls hate guys; good men pay the price for all bastards out there. You have been gifted with the most beautiful gem on earth, a woman, please don’t step on her like a dirty bug. I know there are some chicks who ruined the reputation of good girls too, but it doesn’t mean that it gives you the right to use a woman like a Kleenex. Booty calls, one night stands, friendship with benefits, and last but not least relationships, need respect to be enjoyable.
Love is really like a good game of baseball. You play your best in order to help your team win, and when you do, it’s fantastic. Whichever base you run to, just enjoy the ride while it lasts. Respect the game, don’t abuse steroids, and listen to the cheering crowd. You’re in the spotlight and everybody adores you. Please, don’t screw it up. Feel like you’re Derek Jeter, and be a hero. You’ll get so much love in return, you won’t believe it.
The Manicheans 