Note to Self (68) My take on French kissing

Ah, another sensational topic my friends, which I hope will make you think a little and mostly laugh a lot. I fell upon a great post yesterday that discussed the art of French kissing, for guys and for girls, and of course, it triggered my inspiration enough for me to blog about it today. Who said I wrote only about sad stuff?

We all have experienced a French kiss at least once in our life, whether it was intentional or accidental, sober or drunk, out of curiosity or out of love. We all know what it is, so no need for me to feed you a picture. What I found incredibly interesting about the post I read yesterday was the male versus the female take, haha, that really was brilliant. I just have to add, however, that the expectations on both sides are very disconnected: for girls, the French kiss often leads to more kissing, and a romantic evening under the stars, when as for guys, and correct me if I’m wrong, it is only the beginning of something much more substantial… follow my thoughts…. Scoring a homerun if possible, and yes, no need for this delirium of “no sex on the first date”, sorry, but you can score a homerun anytime (at least in my playbook). I have no clear idea how people date these days. I’ve been married for many years and have never been on the dating scene a la Sex and the City (what a bunch of lies), so call me clueless, alright, I’ll take the hit. I admit, I know nothing about the right steps on how to date and what to do on the first night, I’m French, I never follow any rules, anyway, so gimme a break, will you!

I must add this though. Date and be romantic not only before but also after you permanently seal the deal, because hey, married people need romantic evenings under the stars too, my friends. They’re neglected for the sake of single guys and single chicks who are too jaded to believe in these fabrications anyway, so come on, give us some fun too. Well…. I can’t really talk on behalf of married people anymore, can I? Oops…. All the same, however, I have the experience of what it’s like to be married, and I can tell you, it sucks big time, because when all the charm is gone, you get pretty bored. Nobody makes any effort to look cute anymore, even less sexy, we both lie on the couch in our pyjamas, wondering what to do next, stuffing ourselves with chips and watching a stupid show on TV. Yeah, we don’t even say “I love you” anymore. It should be obvious by now….. Urgh, now you understand why I can no longer talk on behalf of married people….

Anyhow, I’m not here to vent about my failed expectations, I’m here to talk about…. Drums rolling please….. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you the best kiss in the entire world: the French Kiss! This is what is going to make you melt in your seat, I swear! So…. Without further ado, what girls want in a French kiss:

Well rule #1: we don’t need a tongue commando in there. Thank you, we know you’re excited to finally apply your mouth over the delicious lips of the girl you’ve been longing for all night long, or all day long, or all week long, whichever, but…. Too much excitement can kill the deal, and you wouldn’t want that now, would you? So chill on the tongue. Just go in there, and be smooth. Think James Bond, not Mike Tyson. It’s not a fight for survival, it’s a dance to make her fall into your lap and like you even more…. (Think second base). I have really no idea how to describe how much tongue is enough, because it all depends on the person you’re kissing. I also know that some girls give no tongue at all, which is a total killer. But if you find the right chick who’s really sweet and awesome at French kissing you, don’t blow the whole situation by being too hungry. Yeah, the image is right, Brian (@CharlieNitric), a girl’s mouth is not a sandwich! Savor her, take the time to listen to her breathing, the movements of her body, because it’s a whole chain reaction happening there. That girl, if you kiss her well, will be yours, and I swear, if she isn’t she’s stupid and you need to toss her to the side and choose another victim. Kissing is an art that can be mastered over time, but true good kissers will never learn how to kiss. They just know what to do, and you know why? Because they let their feelings speak. Although, now that I’m thinking of it, training might be a good idea after all, because I had people who felt strongly for a girl, yet, they couldn’t kiss at all. Terrible terrible terrible. Shame, really.

My first experience (now the good stuff comes) at French kissing was a total disaster. I wondered what the heck was happening to me… It just felt extremely weird…. I questioned myself whether I should just go and leave the guy standing because that was not fun at all. Of course, I wasn’t very experienced myself, but yeah, I don’t keep a very good memory of the whole event. A kiss without real passion equals death to me. And some people are still not talented enough to impress me. I’m a tough cookie, what else can I say?

Kissing well is very hard, but please, follow at least rule #1 and hold your tongue, guys.

Rule #2: ummmm…. No teeth please. Teeth are a total killer, and I’m very serious when I say this. Keep your teeth away, we’re not at a contest of who has the best smile here. And… I must add, keep out if you smoked beforehand. Cigarette butt taste is not fun. Kissing an ashtray is freaking gross. It’s one thing to have one after a drink, but real big smokers who can’t put it down need a serious teaching about much it sucks to kiss them. And if you stop smoking, at least you’ll be able to run this marathon someday… Just saying. Smoking is bad, alright?

Rule #3: no bad breath please. So no garlic. Unless your target ate garlic too, now that’s both your problem. Just take it easy on the booze too. Drunken kisses are not the best either. Enjoy a nice Italian dinner, pasta usually works wonders, you can order spaghetti and do like in Lady and the Tramp… Yeah, that scene was awesome, when they both eat the same spaghetto and kiss each other on the nose in the end. Haha. Love that movie. You can always try, right? It’ll make her laugh and hey, if she laughs, half the deal is won already. Trust me on that one too. Unless she had no sense of humor at all, and then you know what to do… To the curb!

Rule #4: I have no idea how many rules I’m going to write about, because I’m really terrible at following them, but let’s say that I’ll stop at 5. So the fourth rule is about kissing again. When you finally reach the point where she’s going to let you put your mouth onto her mouth, and she’s alive and breathing, chill. Just let her guide you in her little dance. It’s really easy to do. If you try to control what she’s doing, she’s going to lose interest very quickly. Let her tango you to heaven, my friends, follow her lead and play along. The orchestra will soon play a symphony you won’t forget, and it will start going crazy down there, but stay focused. Don’t rush this… Don’t go faster than the wind, or it will be your last kiss with her. Let her take her time, don’t fall asleep either, just enjoy this, if you both have a real connection, it will be fantastic. And hey, like I said, after first base, you have two more bases to go to before scoring a homerun (unless you realize she’s in a rush) so… yeah, time is crucial in that adventure. Be patient and you’ll be justly rewarded.

Rule #5: Last but not least, the whole nibbling of the ear, or kissing on the neck, or murmuring sweet words situation. Yes, these will be your weapons to score a kiss. You can’t always just go for the mouth, you have to be creative too! Plus, it will show her your versatility. I think the kiss on the neck is definitely a winner, it all depends on where and when, you know, but lots of women appreciate it. I didn’t say give her a hickey. Temper yourself out there, she’s not sixteen anymore. Showing off at work with a big blotch is never cool. Plus you need to cover up that stuff with tons of make up, everybody thinks you got sunburnt, no no no, totally undesirable. Don’t suck her up, just kiss her.

So, this is what I think about French kissing and how to perform it effectively so that you get not only a second date, but also a farther run down the field, because let’s be honest, that’s what everybody’s going for. Relax, take your time, enjoy her company, make her laugh and be entertaining, act cute and be a gentleman, ok? Because nobody likes to kiss boring jerks.

It’s all in the kissing you know. Once you got that down, the world is yours. Happy woman, happy life. And yeah, sorry to tell you this, but women pretty much rule the whole game here, unless you’re in some crazy extremist country, then no need for rules, just go for it. Ask and you’ll be given anything you want, even a goat. But that’s not very exciting…. The hunt is the best part, isn’t it? And once you know your prey is yours, it only gets better. (unless you have no connection at all and then it was just a big waste of your time!)

May the force be with you, and always listen to your heart. I’m with you on that last part because that’s probably the only piece of advice I follow…

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