Note to Self (61) Drunk

After miraculously catching a cab under a pouring rain, I came home drunk, my thoughts lost in a magical blur. I heard every drop land on the windows of my small apartment, and I felt lucky I made it just in time before getting completely drenched. I enjoyed being safe inside, knowing that nobody could get to me here, in my comfortable sanctuary.

As I sat on my couch, my head started spinning. I dreamt of a world that never died, where I was a captain leading my ship to a confident victory. New York secretly played a mermaid, who beguiled me into changing my route and ultimately making love to her with so much passion that she left me breathless. Once done, she let me fall asleep in her arms, whispering sweet words into my ear. “I know you love me” she said, “and you will always love me. I’m the poison you needed to survive, the only true passion you’ll ever have. I want your all, give me your soul and I’ll forever be yours.”

Despite my obvious drunkenness, I drank more of the delicious liquor she offered me, loving her as the cruel, adoring temptation she’d always be to my eyes, the catcher of my dreams, and the healer of my every sorrow. Deep within my heart I wanted her just to myself, not realizing that I was a selfish little parasite merely trapped in her web.

She let me believe that I was the only one, and I trusted her. I felt doomed, worshiping her beauty, and like in one of my fantasies, she really gave herself to me, and I couldn’t stop loving her more afterwards.

In my tormented dream, New York was my illness as much as it was my cure. I was nothing without her and she was nothing without me. I loved her forever, until I left, and never returned, receiving in exchange for my foolishness the worst hangover I’d ever had.

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