Note to Self (60) Pain

I feel a pain that’s impossible to describe, and a sense of helplessness that drives me nuts. I open my mouth but nobody seems to hear me.

I hate myself so much for the stupid shit I did. I should have been smarter, I should have known. But how? I was so young and no naive… I didn’t see the signs. I couldn’t have recognized them even if I tried. I’m all alone in this misery that is eating my soul.

The screams and the tears have disappeared and left me with emptiness. The idea of having grown through that experience makes me want to vomit. How am I supposed to accept what happened to me? I didn’t want this. I never thought I would know what it feels like.

I let my eyes wander on the walls of my prison, the cell I cannot share with anyone. I’ve been on solitary confinement all my life, don’t you understand I’m innocent? Don’t you hear me beg for you to let me go? I can’t take your yelling anymore.

I’m not defeated, yet I am beaten. I pray for it to stop. The pounding in my head continues.

“I wanna die.” I whisper. “Please let me die.”

The sound of my voice vanishes in the back of my throat, as I choke back tears, crouched over the floor like a wounded animal. It never subsides, as my pain holds me tight, cuddling me until I fall asleep in her arms.

Tomorrow is another day. Maybe I’ll feel better then, but the memories…. they will never leave me.