Note to Self (55) Random thoughts before dinner

I opened the fridge, looking for something to munch on but all I found were deserted shelves. I hadn’t been shopping in forever. I felt lazy lately, not wanting to go out and face the usual after work New York crowd at the grocery store. It was like that all the time; I constantly sought an excuse to bail when I had to step outside. I couldn’t deal with them, all of them, marching on me like a wrathful wave, ready to sweep me away like a weakened fish relentlessly swimming upstream.

I had no motivation to force myself to do this, over and over again. My every day commute was enough already. I, at least, chose to get up extra early in the morning so that the subway was half empty by the time I took it. I wanted to breathe, and have enough space to feel my arms swing by my sides without fear of accidentally rubbing against somebody on the way. It always caused trouble otherwise. I apologized, but sometimes, people were just angry, and it triggered unnecessary aggression against my gentle nature. I felt violated by their reaction as much they felt invaded by my touch. But what could I do? I was human after all! Trust me, if I could fly an helicopter to work, I’d have sold my soul to the devil already.

I was no robot. I just sensed exhaustion getting to me, its tentacles fully spread to wrap my body and suckle deep on the little energy I had left. I wanted to eat.

Should I call the delivery guy? I had enough of takeouts. I always ordered the same stuff, and it ranged between Chinese, Japanese or Italian. So much for variety… I was, however, in no mood for switching my routine. I just wanted to be left alone, was that too much to ask?

I gazed outside the tiny living room window and peeked at the rooftops of the buildings across from my minuscule studio. I didn’t possess the best view but if I looked at a certain angle, I could see the side of the Empire State Building. It wasn’t much to brag about, yet enough for my landlord to charge me an extra $200 on my monthly rent. I sometimes wondered how much they’d make me pay if I simply moved to the basement, and vegetated among washing machines and dryers.

When I walked back to the kitchenette, I briefly glanced in the mirror hung on the wall, and immediately noticed how pale my skin had become since the last time I sunbathed, which I could vaguely remember… I looked like a ghost! Now I really felt depressed.

Oh shut up! I couldn’t live like this anymore. All this traffic noise was driving me nuts! So much for experiencing Manhattan… Well, at least I had an eighth of an inch of a view of the Empire State Building. My pals at home would kill just to come visit. They really didn’t know what they didn’t miss.

I heard my stomach growling. I finally made my decision. Time for pizza.

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