Note to Self (53) When love turns to war

She spent her whole morning commute reciting in her head all the stuff she’d like to say to him, consciously aware that this day would probably never come. The rage inside her wanted out, and since she couldn’t use violence to let go of all the anger she felt, she decided to write down all the thoughts that tortured her all night.

She didn’t even know where to begin. She was supposed to get in touch with her attorney to discuss divorce issues. She couldn’t believe she was getting divorced. Yes, of course, she had to get out of the hell she was in, but still… she considered it a huge failure. All these empty promises he never kept broke her trust in a million pieces. She gave him her all, she really did, and he took it for granted. He abused it and flagged her as the culprit when anything went wrong in his life. He was such a piece of shit, she couldn’t even understand how he fooled her into thinking he was any different.

It wouldn’t sound right with anybody who didn’t want to hear the truth, i.e. his dear family. Appearances mattered more than reality to them. Well, she didn’t really care anymore. The truth would come out. He claimed he married her before God and that he would never break such a commitment. She really wondered why he was the first one to file for divorce then.

He was a bag of bullshit. He pretended he wanted to compromise but he never did. It was always about him, and only him. He made her life miserable and he managed to convince her she was the one at fault. Of course, he never could look at himself in the mirror and say, once and for all, “Sorry, I fucked up”. It was too hard, wasn’t it? Well, if he had said such a thing, they would maybe be in a different situation today, but he did nothing. That was his specialty too, to do nothing.

She was feeling a bit better. Her anger was so deep, he turned her criminal. She didn’t even want to see his face, nor hear him speak. She was done being nice. She felt like a wounded animal, scarred for life.

He did this to himself, now he’d pay the price. What goes around, comes around motherfucker.

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