Note to Self (49) Life

I am a believer, and the modern society molded me to be who I am today. I have my flaws and my qualities. I respect the rules and perform to be the best, no matter what environment I am in; I am always ready to compete. This world has forged me into believing in the superiority of the human intelligence which fabricates stories and makes up scenarios to escape from reality. This world has taken me to a higher level, where I thought my brain cells would stop reproducing but instead, I think my brain got bigger, and despite the drugs I did, I think I even got smarter.

This world gave me power and free will, it led me to take control over my life and think of the earth as a better place, where everybody could find their own way, succeed and be rewarded to the fair extent of their personal investment. This must have been what I thought when I was 12. Growing up showed me that a lot of casualties were left aside on the road to success and that no matter how hard you tried, sometimes life was just a bitch. It did not bring you anything to do your best; it just brought you more crap to deal with in the end. It did not take much to realize that it was all a game and that no matter how well you played by the rules, they always changed. The only constant in all of that is you; as you grow older and experience life, and you realize that it is raw, it is harsh and it hurts.  But nothing feels better than the power of life given to humans and each of them accomplishing what they decide to do with it. It has nothing to do with pride, with anger or remorse, with justice or revenge, nor with love.

Within each and every one of us, we know that we have a purpose. If your purpose is to steal, then so be it. If your purpose is to give, then so be it. In life, nothing could be more real than you looking in the mirror and deciding to take control over your destiny. You have been made one way, you can become what you desire and possibly change to become a better you. I did not stay the same as I was born. I was shaped and molded by my past experiences, my losses, my wins and my disappointments, my lusts and my fears.  It all became normal to deal with them every single day of my life. Why did I exist in the first place? Why did God and my caretakers put me here? Did I deserve to live at this time? Did I make the right choices? Will I ultimately have the right to a second chance if I fail to make what I believe to be my dream come true?

There is no dictionary of childhood dreams. These dreams and creations are the fruit of a childish imagination, sometimes too vivid to realize that anything it can manufacture will simply never happen. But that is what pushes children into surviving their constant growth, their reshaping and their remodeling all throughout their angst ridden teens and then their miserable and pathetic adult life. “I have dreams”, you will hear people say. “I have everything it takes to be that person”, you will hear them relentlessly repeat to themselves. And when the final moment comes, and they didn’t become what they always dreamed of, they just meet their deadly fate. It is nothing bitter and nothing sweet, it is the harsh result of physically and emotionally experiencing life instead of imagining it for hours and years while endlessly staring at a bedroom ceiling. The power of the mind is too strong to be defeated, unless you decide to nuke yourself by smoking too much crack and then you simply lose part of your humanity by becoming a vegetable. Life is harsh as it takes beliefs and passions and crushes them in an instant, creating fear and doubt in every mind. This is the power of life over people and it takes only just as much courage to overcome fear and doubt as it does to breathe for a newborn. It hurts and it stings everywhere, but when it finally happens, it is priceless.


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