We all see it, live it, deal with it. People who are rude. People who are inconsiderate. People who are so self-centered and narrow-minded, they think they have all rights to spill their anger onto the world so we can all share their shit and feel miserable. I can’t take these assholes. And the reason why I can’t take them is because I am one of them.
I’ve imposed my fruitless display of aggression onto so many people, I’ve lost count. Relatives, friends, strangers…The list goes on and on…If it’s not on the subway, it’s on the street, on the road, in a line, at the bank, at the post office, at the DMV, at fucking McDonald’s. Yeah. People. I get nuts. But I know I get nuts, and my anger is nothing but a product of self-centeredness. Why do others have to suffer when I feel bad? Why do I think I’m justified to display my discontentment?
So I work on myself. I try my best to stay calm. And then comes the asshole who has decided he’s going to ruin my day. Here’s the asshole who behaves so selfishly, I have two options: either I smack him on the side of the head, or I take a deep breath and keep going.
That stuff is hard to do though. I always opted for the smack on the side of the head, because that’s what I grew up with. All my life, all I’ve known was anger. My dad is an angry bastard. Happy or unhappy mood, sunny or rainy day, all I’ve learned was: my feelings stop at anger. I’m pissed, it means something’s wrong. I’m ultra pissed, it means I’m about to kill someone. I’m a bit annoyed, well, I’m going to find something to get me really pissed, and then all hell breaks loose.
This is the pattern I know. And that pattern affects me more than anything else. I react to anger with anger. I act out, and smash stuff. How the heck is that a way to live?
Well, it’s not.
So…I gotta work on my patience level, especially when other people act out. It’s quite the journey. Lots of my characters have anger problems. The heroine of 32 Seconds, my WIP, is an angry chick. And she learns anger isn’t the solution. Change your frame of mind, find something positive to relate to, escape from a stressful situation by using breathing techniques…When the person holds grudges, it’s hard to let these grudges go. I know I hold resentments for years.
To all the angry assholes out there, I don’t like you. You don’t make me feel good. It takes a smile to brighten someone’s day. But one single display of aggression, and you got me hooked for weeks.
What can I say? I’m imperfect and anger is one of my character defects. There’s no magic spell that’ll take the anger away. Only work, hard work, to transform the bad energy into positive vibes.
One day at a time.
The Manicheans 