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I lost sight of you by the lake, where we used to walk, hand in hand, our mind in unison with the world and our hearts singing the same melody of the love we felt for each other then. I lost sight of you when you told me you couldn’t be with me anymore and I asked you: why, but you didn’t respond and turned away.
Now I stare at the crystalline surface of the water and I let my sorrow grow within my chest until it hurts so much I can’t take the pain anymore and I start throwing rocks at the lake. I hate the reflection of my broken face onto the face of the earth, and I want to end it all. I grab my head between my hands, but I refuse to let go, because I think it’s weak to let go by a lake like a wimp after my girlfriend dumped me. I can’t understand why she did that, and then I think maybe she found another guy, better, smarter, stronger than me, and thinking of that crushes me even more. I can’t accept the ugly truth of her leaving me, because I’m nothing without her.
God wants me to suffer, I extrapolate, I speculate, I discover twists in a plot I just made up on the spot, because I want to feel better, and I don’t want to take responsibility for the jerk I really am. Because she left me. Because she didn’t give me an explanation, that must be her fault for not understanding who I really am, she didn’t make any effort to patch things up and she left because she was the coward. Not me! No, I’m the strong one, the alpha dog in the relationship and I’m sure of it now, she’s going to come back begging for me to take her but I won’t, because I’m such a strong alpha dog and she has no idea what I’m made of. I was born in a cradle of awesomeness, I was made of steel and nothing can break me, not even these feelings that are still inside my heart and I can’t get rid of them for some reason. I don’t get it. I can’t let this affect me like this, I’m a man for godsake! I kick more rocks on the beach of the lake and I stop staring at the water because I’m no romantic wuss after all, I’m tough, I’m able to contain my emotions and I won’t fail, and I won’t let her destroy me like this. I can’t allow it. I won’t allow it.
My hand touches the sand and I hold a big rock in my palm, feeling the rough edges and the cold quartz against my skin, and my fingers play with the idea of hitting something with it, something fragile and soft, something I could kill in one blow. I want to get rid of the pain I feel and this pain must go, so I want to end a life to feel better about myself. But all I see is a dead bird on the shore. I don’t care, the dead bird will do, I have too much hate to go home and forget about it all while drinking a cup of coffee and pretending I’m fine when I know I’m not. So I walk toward the bird and I look at it for a long time. I watch the dead carcass rotting on the beach, the feathers once light and beautiful now a blur of an idea, mere remains of a corpse I’m going to kill again. At least God won’t get mad at me for committing a mortal sin.
I breathe slowly, focusing on the bird, and I smile. I smile for the first time, I feel the heat of a grin fill up my face and I keep that smile as I strike the bird hard, and the brains and bones spatter everywhere, and I feel the need to hit more, so I keep hitting until my hand sinks into the sand and my skin is covered in dried blood, sand and feathers. The smile has left my face and I feel better. I feel relieved, at peace, empty of this burden I was carrying all my way to the lake, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to think. But now everything’s clear.
Today I finally let go of you and it feels way too damn good. I look at the lake again and I forget about us, I forget about my love for you and I let the rock fall and it makes a loud thump when it touches the ground, and I walk away, leaving the still water and all my memories behind me.